There will soon be no more football.
Playoffs start Saturday.
No more Monday night football (I missed the whole goddamn season because of school).
No more Sunday night football.
No more Thursday night football (that’s a blessing. NFL Network’s commentators SUCK BALLS).
I am beginning to experience slight anxiety. What will I do with my Sunday afternoons? My Monday nights? My Sunday nights? To keep me slightly sane, let’s take a look at this past season:
Dallas Cowboys: Fucking sucked. Sucked harder than they’ve ever sucked before. Unbelievable how bad they were. Was it really Wade Phillips fault? It must have been since once they got Jason Garrett (Really??) as interim coach, they turned it around. But that fucker Alex Barron needs a swift kick in the ass. I don’t care that his major fuck up was in week one. I have a long memory and will never forgive that sonofabitch for losing the Cowboys the game with 3 motherfucking seconds left. Has a monkey pissed in his ear yet? Somebody get me an incontinent monkey and Barron’s address!
Cleveland Browns: Um. Wow. Go Colt McCoy. He might actually be their savior. If Colt can learn to switch up his snap counts so that Polamalu doesn’t clobber him every snap.
Atlanta Falcons: I forgot these guys were even a team. And now look at them. 13-3. You go, guys!
Pittsburgh Steelers: Ben was out for 4 games. Everyone expected the Steelers to win maybe one game during that time. They won 3 out of four games thanks to Dennis Dixon and Charlie Batch. Hey, Charlie, I fucking love you man and hope you still get field time because you are the shiznit. I would have happily taken a Lions season (0-16) if it meant Ben was punished as he should have been. There’s no room for this kind of shit. But I digress. The Steelers pulled a 12-4 season and I am ecstatic. Polamalu showed that he’s still the high flying scary big haired mofo that should still cause Colt minor night terrors. But without him, the team is still lost.
Tennessee Titans: Goddamn your quarterback is a fucking drama queen. Glad you’re ditching that zero, get you a hero!
Baltimore Ravens: Yes, yes. No changes here. Ray Lewis, keep on being Ray Lewis, creepy Old Spice commercials and all.
Indianapolis Colts, New York (football) Giants: What in the ever loving fuck happened to you guys?
New England Patriots: Ha ha, you got beat by the Browns. The goddamn Browns! (yes yes, I know you got a 14-2 record)
Oakland Raiders, Detroit Lions: Holy shit, guys, I was very proud of you. The Lions got fucked by a bad call and then they had injuries. This was supposed to be your year. But next year will be better. Oakland, I dunno what to say about you. Your coach just got fired. I hope you do as well or better next year.
Minnesota Vikings: Next season, I will be able to root for you. Because Favre will finally have to sit his old broken ass down. Fuck you Favre. Fuck you long and fuck you hard with a stolen dick. You are why the Vikings sucked.
Green Bay Packers: Dear Santa, please bring Aaron Rodgers some goddamn protection so he doesn’t get a concussion every other game. Thank you.