Tag Archive: shitbirds


Open letters to the NFL: Week 9

Dear Pittsburgh “I got all day, motherfuckers” Steelers,

Holy Jesus Mary and Joseph. Another week and another day of Ben eclipsing Brady. Seriously, fuck Brady all day. Ben, you are still not my favorite QB. I am still angry at you, but just keep doing your job.

Kickers and punters: DO NOT GET INTO FIGHTS! Are you high? Cut that shit out.

Harrison, Polamalu, Shazier: OMFG don’t be hurt! I know two of you are out for the Jets, but good lord, get well!

 

Dear Baltimore Asshole Ravens,

I hate everything about your organization right now. You have a bunch of fucking thugs and you play like thugs. Yeah, I like a strong defense and a tough chippy game. But fucking hell, man. Fuck Suggs. Fuck everybody.

 

Dear Dallas Cowboys,

It’ll be okay, It’ll be fine. I know it will….I know it will.

 

Dear Sports Media,

I’m gonna say this and I want you to read it and remember it. *ahem* BRANDON WEEDEN IS NOT TONY ROMO. OF COURSE he’s not going to pass the same as Romo. He’s not going to handle each situation the same as Romo, BECAUSE HE’S NOT ROMO! Let it the fuck go!

 

Dear Andrew Luck,

Holy shit, son. You got a horrible looking beard but you can play your ass off. I’m glad the Colts “Sucked for Luck.” Thanks for putting me over on points to beat the fake team in my league. Woot!

 

Dear Houston Texans,

Hey! FUCK YOU! How DARE you say that Clowney is not committed? Are you fucking serious? That boy gave his ALL in the first game and was injured for it. On your apparently shitty ass field. Fuck you! Get your shit in order!

 

Dear Oakland Raiders,

OMG. 24 to 30? You were so close. SO FUCKING CLOSE. I would have bought Raiders swag for DAYS if you had won over the Shitbirds. Would have MADE MY YEAR. God, please don’t move them. They must stay the Oakland Raiders.

 

 

 

Open letters to the NFL: Week 6

Dear Pittsburgh Steelers,

THE MOTHERFUCKING BROWNS. What the fuck guys. What in the ever loving fuck? You know what? I’m fucking picking the Texans to win. In your house. Because Jesus fucking Christ I don’t know what the fuck is going on with you. Fuck. You got me rooting for the Bengals. You got me ready to SWEAR OFF FOOTBALL for hockey full time. I can only hope the Penguins don’t suck as much as you this year.

 

Dear Dallas Football Cowboys,

What the fuck did I see? Did I really see that? Did I really? *sniff* I’m almost proud of you. Fuck dem Shitbirds. Fuck dem Shitbirds in their own fucking house. Goddamn, guys. I mean…Goddamn. *slow clap*