Dear Oakland Raiders,
Goddamn, did you wait all goddamn game to do all your stupid shit in one play? What the Christ? Well, good on you for winning because holy crap you needed it.
Don’t ever change.
Dear Dallas Cowboys,
Way to pull it out, guys. Really.
Great win. Fuck dem Giants.
Dear Texans,
WATT! WATT! WATT! WATT! Watt every play, Watt every position!
Dear Seahawks,
Christ I still hate you.
Dear Marshawn Lynch,
Don’t. Ever. Change.
Dear Pittsburgh “I got all day, motherfuckers” Steelers,
Holy Jesus Mary and Joseph. Another week and another day of Ben eclipsing Brady. Seriously, fuck Brady all day. Ben, you are still not my favorite QB. I am still angry at you, but just keep doing your job.
Kickers and punters: DO NOT GET INTO FIGHTS! Are you high? Cut that shit out.
Harrison, Polamalu, Shazier: OMFG don’t be hurt! I know two of you are out for the Jets, but good lord, get well!
Dear Baltimore Asshole Ravens,
I hate everything about your organization right now. You have a bunch of fucking thugs and you play like thugs. Yeah, I like a strong defense and a tough chippy game. But fucking hell, man. Fuck Suggs. Fuck everybody.
Dear Dallas Cowboys,
It’ll be okay, It’ll be fine. I know it will….I know it will.
Dear Sports Media,
I’m gonna say this and I want you to read it and remember it. *ahem* BRANDON WEEDEN IS NOT TONY ROMO. OF COURSE he’s not going to pass the same as Romo. He’s not going to handle each situation the same as Romo, BECAUSE HE’S NOT ROMO! Let it the fuck go!
Dear Andrew Luck,
Holy shit, son. You got a horrible looking beard but you can play your ass off. I’m glad the Colts “Sucked for Luck.” Thanks for putting me over on points to beat the fake team in my league. Woot!
Dear Houston Texans,
Hey! FUCK YOU! How DARE you say that Clowney is not committed? Are you fucking serious? That boy gave his ALL in the first game and was injured for it. On your apparently shitty ass field. Fuck you! Get your shit in order!
Dear Oakland Raiders,
OMG. 24 to 30? You were so close. SO FUCKING CLOSE. I would have bought Raiders swag for DAYS if you had won over the Shitbirds. Would have MADE MY YEAR. God, please don’t move them. They must stay the Oakland Raiders.
