I am not a big comic book person. I don’t spend mad phat bucks on single issues the minute they come out, I don’t follow what reboot this character is getting or who died or who wrote what. I will read trades if T.R. (our resident Comic Book Guy, but much less grumpy) recommends them and hell, tv was my bestest friend in the whole wide world when I was a kid (we still keep in close contact) so I know the bigger superheroes.
From the start I loved me some Superman. Christopher Reeve is my Superman. That’s who I grew up watching so he is *IT*. Batman? I was born after the Adam West days but a good decade and a half before Michael Keaton donned the cape. So it’s a mix of the two. I think Keaton did a pretty good job being all dark and broody and West was just flat out hilarious. Wonder Woman during the afternoons…okay it kinda sucked. Even at a young age she was not the best superhero, but I still watched it. Spiderman was some lame ass comic in the Sunday paper. Christ how I hated that emo jackass. “Oh poor me!” Yeah, poor you with fucking superpowers. And Friday nights was Hulk time! But again, bad shit always had to happen to Banner. I couldn’t understand why Batman and Supes could be all badass but Spidey and Hulk had all this retarded drama around them. Then I learned that there were two superhero factions: DC and Marvel.
All the badass motherfuckers? DC. All the pussy ass drama mongers? Marvel. Well, fuck a big load of Marvel. I proclaimed myself a DC girl and nothing could sway me. “Oh the Hulk can go all HULK SMASH? Big deal. He doesn’t have cool ass toys like Batman! His villains are nothing like The Joker.”
For years, I loved on DC. I even defended Aquaman. AQUAMAN. He talks to fish, for corn’s sake. It was about this time I started paying attention to the movies. Hollywood has tried time and time again to make successful superhero movies but only because one character was popular at the time. It wasn’t the Golden Age of Geek, it was “hey kids seem to like this dude in tights.” If we look back at all (according to Wikipedia at least) of these movies, you can start to see why I thought DC was the end all be all and why they totally suck now.
1966-1988: DC (Fox, Warner Bros. Embassy Pictures) had the first of many (many, many) Batman movies (Adam West!), 4 Superman movies, 1 Swamp Thing, and a Supergirl (yay!) movie.
1944-1985: Marvel (Republic Pictures) had the Captain America serial.
Advantage: DC all up in this bitch. Now, should this count? Captain America was a serial–a tv show sorta on the big screen–in 1944 then nothing until 1986. Not a goddamn thing until Howard the Duck in 1986. Whereas DC had 7 movies, a pilot for the Superman serial and a government sponsored film for public domain use.
1989-1997: DC (Warner Bros.) released the four Batman movies (I know, I know, two really sucked), Return of the Swamp Thing and something called Steel.
1986-1994 (pre Marvel Studios): Howard the fucking Duck, The Punisher, and a direct to video Captain America that I believe they recently showed on SyFy.
Advantage: DC barely for the win. Really? You’re gonna put Batman up against a horny alternate universe duck? And DC, what the fuck? Steel? They just wanted to put Shaq in a movie. This right here is what I was talking about earlier. “Shaq is popular. Let’s make a movie about Steel and put him in it!” This was during that Superman is dead thing that had people losing their shit. Over a comic. It was a stupid idea anyway.
So now DC has established dominance in the box office. Sorta. George Clooney, Val Kilmer (seriously?), Shaq and Ah-nold almost fucked that up. DC sits on their hands for a bit. Marvel goes “Hey, let’s do something awesome since our parent company just got sold. Let’s make our own studio!” Well…there’s a lot of legal and business drama that went on (including an almost bankruptcy) but it worked. They got their own studio and more importantly CONTROL. What came out of this?
1998-2003: Motherfucking Blade, X-Men, Blade II, Spider-Man, Daredevil, X2, Hulk (Eric Bana type)
1998-2003: DC: NOT A GODDAMN THING.
Advantage: Marvel. Not only did they have box office magic, they proved that you can make blockbuster movies out of not so well known comics. I had never heard of Daredevil or Blade. Blade was a cool take on vampires as far as I was concerned. And Daredevil…well, let’s not go there. And I used to watch X-Men as a Saturday morning cartoon. MY MOM would get upset if she missed it, so X-Men was pretty known outside of comic readers. And yeah, I’ll say it: Hugh Jackman is fucking hot as Wolverine.
Now DC wakes up and goes “ah shit! hot ass mutants took our box office share!” Also during this time we heard rumors of a Superman reboot. And the rumors are fucking horrid. Nicolas Cage as Superman, numerous writers who when they started working with the producer just up and said “oh fuck you dude, I’m Audi 5000”. See, the producer at the time was Jon Peters. He wanted lovely shit like: “Superman could not be seen flying, couldn’t wear the classic costume (Peters insisted on a black suit) and somehow, someway, had to fight a giant spider at the end. What was the reasoning behind changing Superman’s costume, you ask? Peters thought the classic blue-and-red outfit looked “too faggy.” ” (cracked.com). There was also talk of a gay sidekick robot, having Braniac (the villain) to punch polar bears. Because fuck polar bears…I guess. There’s tons more, but that was enough to make anyone who had even seen the letter “S” written in red go “Oh God no!” An entire world wept.
2004-2012: DC releases/will release Catwoman (yes. that one.), the Christian Bale Batman Trilogy, Superman Returns, Watchmen, Jonah Hex, and Green Lantern.
2004-2012: Marvel releases/will release The Punisher, Spider-Man 2, Blade: Trinity, Elektra, Man-Thing (outside of the US), Fantastic Four, X-Men: Last Stand, Ghost Rider, Spider-Man 3, Fantastic Four: Silver Surfer, Iron Fucking Man, The Incredible Hulk (Edward Norton type), Punisher: War Zone, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Iron Man 2, Thor, X-Men: First Class, Captain Goddamn America: The First Avenger, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, The Avengers, The Amazing Spiderman.
Advantage: Marvel. So very much Marvel. So much Marvel that I think they just slapped my momma. Now, there are some turds in this list, surely. But the diamonds far outweigh the crap. Why, why, why are you rebooting Spiderman this soon? And X-men: Origins was a good idea, but poor execution; although I do have a new respect for Liev Schreiber’s hot ass. And I mean, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance? Why, God, why? Quote from Aelerelean: “Because they don’t have all the money?” I’d have to agree. They want ALL the money. And by Odin, they’re gonna get it. Because see, unlike DC, there’s a fucking running theme to some of these movies. Marvel *gasp* PLANNED AHEAD. “Hey, here’s a Hulk. Hrm, that didn’t really work. Try this Hulk. Eh, we’ll figure it out. In the meantime, have some Iron Man. Like that? Have another. Oh and welcome Thor! You comics guys know where we’re going with this right? Oh by the way, have The Avengers with all these characters we just introduced over the short years in one big ass movie. Yes, you may kiss our ring.” Yes. They THOUGHT THIS SHIT OUT.
What is DC doing? Rehashing Batman and Superman YET AGAIN. They seem to believe Bats and Supes is it. Yeah, they dropped Green Lantern this year (which was rather nice) and Watchmen was really something special. But they gotta branch out. 2013 brings us….another goddamn Superman movie. But it’s totally not a remake of the 1980 Superman II. Even though Zod is the villain in this one too. And Superman Returns (aka, Super Dead Beat Dad) was definitely not a remake of the 1978 one either. Just because Lex Luthor is pulling a land grab in this one too. Not at all. Christ, DC, get some new ideas. You could have PLANNED THE FUCK AHEAD like Marvel and had a set of movies leading up to a JLA (Justice League of America) movie! Or friggin’ Wonder Woman! Or Martian Manhunter! Or how about this, appeal to us black folks: Black Lightning. Oh, we’ll still think you’re pandering and that he’s a shit hero, but at least you will have tried. Ooh, or a buddy cop type movie with Aquaman and Black Manta. Think of all the undersea adventures they could go on.
I didn’t say I had good ideas. I don’t see YOU coming up with anything, DC.
I’ll tell you what, though, DC, if the fucking ANT MAN movie gets made before you come out with anything decent, I’m switching teams. I’ll do it, too. You know when I’ve dropped AT&T to willingly go back to Time Warner, I mean business.
P.S. And where in the FUCK is my Batman vs Superman movie hinted at on the marquee in I Am Legend??
