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Open Letters: NFL Week 3

Dear Cowboys,

Take it. A win is a win. Do better.

 

Dear Steelers,

I knew it. I knew that you were going to struggle. I didn’t think you’d actually lose, but I knew it would be a fight. I can’t be angry. I’m done being angry over my teams’ losses. My anger is very directed at one person/group and it’s not you or any other team. Some shit happened during your game, I’m sure. The hit on Heyward-Bey didn’t look bad at all. But holy shit did my heart stop when I saw him lying there like a ragdoll. We thought “He just got hit in the collarbone. Maybe the top of the helmet hit his facemask.” But apparently not. I completely disagree with every article that calls it a vicious hit. There was no way that was a vicious hit. And goddamnit he was not sandwiched either. look at the fucking tape! *grumble*. Get healthy, come back, do good.

 

Dear Todd Haley,

Apparently you cannot talk to Ben that way. I dunno what you said, or how you said, but don’t do it. On the other hand, it smacks of Ben saying “You’re not my real father!” and being obstinate. Whatever. Don’t be a dick to him and he won’t be a dick to you.

 

Dear NFL and NFL RedZone,

THREE OVERTIME GAMES??? THREE??? Holy shit, that was an exciting time! I love the fuck out of RedZone for situations just like this. HOWEVER, you need to fix it so that the RedZone can show the endings of games. That was complete bullshit (hey, I’m noticing a trend) that they had to end it like that. Despite that, thanks for making Sunday exciting.

 

Dear Pete Carroll (Seahawks Coach),

You should be fucking ashamed of yourself. You knew that call was wrong and yet instead of giving a toned down or even better, no interview, you acted like you won the fucking lottery. Fuck you.

Dear Golden Tate,

You knew it was wrong. You knew you didn’t have the ball. I give you credit for realizing that this was a touchy situation and not celebrating like a fool in front of the camera like your coach. You both should have taken the high road and refused the after game interview.

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-09-23

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Fuck this state so goddamn hard

http://trailblazersblog.dallasnews.com/2012/09/perry-church-and-state-separation-is-the-devils-work.html/

http://www.statesman.com/news/local/perry-and-the-devil-and-church-state-separation-2462392.html

 

“Gov. Rick Perry, on a conference call with fellow evangelicals, chided church-state separation as a Satan-fueled myth, urged `Christian soldiers’ to march to the polls, and accepted thanks for ending the drought.”

 

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

STOP ELECTING THIS MAN. Jesus H Christ on a pogo stick. First Amendment, motherfucker, do you see it?

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof…”

I can’t even think let alone write any coherent sentence because I am so angry. What the fuck is wrong with him? He is actively pushing for the “dance for rain, afraid of eclipse” thought process to come back.

Maybe he is a massive troll. He and George W might have cooked up this huge practical joke years ago and have successfully trolled all of us. Us meaning human beings with actually logical thought processes. This is the only thing I can think of when I hear the horrible shit that comes out of his mouth.

Perry is the worst thing ever in this state. Worse than the wildfires, worse than the drought, worse than a yeast infection on top of a urinary tract infection. I wish everyday that the majority of Texans would wake up and get this man out of office. Seeing his name, hearing his name, turns my stomach and reduces me to screaming obscenities and gibberish. Not even Time Warner makes me that angry.

And I fucking hate Time Warner with all of my heart and spleen.

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-09-16

  • I'm watching FOX NFL Sunday (1745 others checked-in) http://t.co/CkASe3CU #GetGlueHD #FOXNFLSunday #
  • I unlocked the Fox NFL Sunday: Week 1 sticker on #GetGlueHD http://t.co/jxOi1VYr #
  • Google now still refuses to believe the nfl season has started. Fix it! *grump* #
  • I'm watching Red Zone Channel (14 others checked-in) http://t.co/dGKiuk0L #GetGlueHD #nflredzone #
  • What the Christ, Jets?? Were you just saving up TDs for the regular season? #
  • WHY DIDN'T PLAY RG3 THIS WEEK???? 🙁 #
  • Dear Detroit, Madden Curse? Madden Curse. #
  • The Dolphins are playing like they were featured on the Madden cover… #
  • Fucka big load of DB2 and Lotus Notes. *grump* #
  • double header!!!! http://t.co/pPvoHmKE #GetGlueHD #MondayNightFootball #
  • Why is Jon Gruden wearing a stick of Fruit Stripe gum as a tie? #MNF #
  • I am convinced that Pat Robertson has hit "I'm an old man and give no fucks about what I say" mode: http://t.co/fcrwDbDC #
  • After 3 months, I finally closed on my refinance. 3 months. 3. #
  • I am not going to "like" your company on facebook for a $10 discount. It's not happening. #
  • "hey where's the final build for *product*?" Er, fuck if I know. I got it from <some dev> 4 months ago. Panic is ensuing. I care not. #
  • So….this is a thing: http://t.co/J3She34G #
  • Gee, was I in a meeting for the last 2.5 hours and am just now catching up on Apple related tweets? #retweetingfiend #
  • Dammit. Why do i suddenly want a embroidery sewing machine?? I don't sew! #
  • is finally playing Tropico 4 http://t.co/cidqpoo8 #
  • Yes! RT @TheCJMorgan: Tebowing? No thanks, this season we're Griffining –> http://t.co/fOx1w126 #
  • I'm a little creeped out this. http://t.co/hnpHkwub #
  • AHA! http://t.co/XrmXAYcA #
  • I'm watching Monday Night Football (18 others checked-in) http://t.co/pPvoHmKE #GetGlueHD #MondayNightFootball #
  • I'm watching Thursday Night Football (3414 others checked-in) http://t.co/AKcnMESL #GetGlueHD #ThursdayNightFootball #
  • What? Am I really seeing this? http://t.co/A3JG8kp6 #

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Open Letters: NFL Week 1

*snore*whistle*snort*

Whuzzat? What? Oh shit. Week 2 starts today. Fucking Thursday football. Hate Thursday football.

 

Dear Cowboys,

I say this every season, I know, but I can’t trust you fucks to do anything right. How dare you come out and actually, you know, look good and play decent ball? How dare your defense not look like shit? How dare you actually give Romo some blocking so he’s not running for his life every play? And how dare you beat the goddamn New York Football Giants, thereby ruining both my pick’em and my fantasy team?

Harumph.

 

Dear Victor motherfucking Cruz,

Monkey piss. Your ear. Your Gatorade.

 

Dear Eli “Herp Derp” Manning,

You looked as clueless as Wade Phillips. Really. Go look at Wade sometimes on the sidelines. During his time on the Cowboys, we doubted he knew where he was. That’s how you looked. And I can understand that, because you sure as fuck did not look like a Superbowl winning team.

Fix your shit.

 

Dear Steelers,

Any other time I would be losing my mind over you losing to the Broncos. The BRONCOS. THE GODDAMN SHITTY ASS BRONCOS WITH EAR BLEEDING ORANGE JERSEYS. Yeah, I said ear bleeding. Because that’s how loud that orange is. You looked “okay”. You have looked better. And you could have easily beat another Broncos team. But this is not an old Broncos team. You were playing Peyton. You got beat by Peyton. Get healthy. Step up your game and try not to take it too hard. I won’t.

 

Dear Polamalu,

There were two distinct plays near the end of the game where you had Peyton scared. We saw it. He called his play, you shifted, he called another play, you shifted, he freaked and called a timeout. You rattled Peyton Steel Neck Manning. You did that. I love you for it.

 

Dear RG3,

Please do this all season, erry season.

 

Dear Browns,

You suck. No you suck more than usual. What the shit was that with Weeden? He had a QB rating of 6. SIX. Out of what, 140? Dear lord. Maybe it’s first game jitters. But holy balls that was an amazing amount of suck. Not that the Eagles were any better.

 

Dear Jets,

WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING IN PRESEASON? WHERE WAS THIS LEVEL OF PLAY? *sputter* *sputter* Our theory: you played from a shitty middle school playbook for preseason, then showed off your awesome plays for the regular season. That’s gotta be it. Because how do you go from one touchdown in all 4 weeks of preseason to…whatever that was? On the other hand, you were playing the Bills. So maybe I shouldn’t get my hopes up just yet.

 

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-09-09

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Unreal Candy: A Review

So. I am a Bzz Agent. I signed up with BzzAgent many years ago to give my opinion on new products, website, services, etc. I got a set of coupons to try out this new candy called UNREAL. I’m not a huge candy eater. It takes me quite a while to make it through a regular bag of M&M’s. But I was intrigued and wanted to try it out.

Unreal Candy Display at Walgreen's

UNREAL bills itself as “unjunked” candy. No HFCS, no GMOs, no artificial colors and flavors, no partially hydrogenated oils, and 40% less sugar.  Great idea, but how does it work in practice? Pretty well actually. I used a coupon and got a bag of UN 41, a plain M&M’s clone. As you may have noted from the picture above, they have peanut and plain M&M like candies, a Milky Way clone, and a peanut butter cup clone. The Walgreen’s I visited did not have the Milky Way and since I’m not a fan of peanuts, that left me with UN 41. I had no trouble redeeming the coupon, but I did have a problem figuring out which was which. Look at the picture of the display. It shows the blue bags having peanuts and the green without. This was wrong. So pay attention to what’s on the bag and not the pictures on the display.

Candy in hand, I headed home to try it. Not bad. The candy coating was actually sweeter than the chocolate inside. For a second I actually thought it was dark chocolate. It was pretty good. If I were a regular M&M eater, I would buy this instead. Why? They taste like Smarties. Smarties are also chocolate candies similar to M&M’s (larger) and sold in the UK. To get them imported would cost a ridiculous amount of money, so UN 41 is a nice alternative.

I appreciate what UNREAL is doing, but you’re still eating candy. I don’t get any warm fuzzies knowing that I’m not eating pure junk, but I do feel a little better. I wish UNREAL well and I hope their candy takes off. If I can find a place that has UN 54 (Milky Way) I’ll do a review of that later.

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-09-02

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WindowsUpdate_80243004 error

What:

  • You’re running Windows update for Windows 7 or Windows 2008 R2 (I ran into this with Windows 7 after a year of no updates.)
  • You see that the update has failed with error 80243004.
  • Your notifications area is abnormally large

How to Fix:

Weird fix for a common problem.

Goddamn Cupcakes

I like cupcakes. I really do. But I didn’t give a rat’s ass about cupcakes before my friend’s wedding. She didn’t have a cake. She had cupcakes. So what? Mini cakes. Same thing right? Oh God no. There was something about these cupcakes (Delish Bakery). They were awesome. Perfectly moist, perfectly flavored, simply elegant.

Goddamn Elegant Cupcake

 

As much as I love these cupcakes, it’s a pain in the goddamn ass to get to 3rd street. Downtown Austin blows. Getting there, finding parking, not getting hit by other pissed off drivers…ugh. I try, though. Every so often I just want a damn cupcake and I brave downtown to get some sweet, sweet, delicious cupcake action. Now, there are MUCH CLOSER cupcake places than Delish. I can walk to one. But I don’t. Why? Well, walking blows. And because it’s just not a Delish cupcake. At all.

After I tried and failed to secure a proper cupcake stash (they freeze AMAZINGLY well), I said “well, fuck it. I’ll give this place up in Cedar Park a shot.” It’s called Gigi’s Cupcakes. It’s a franchise. It has great reviews for taste, not so much for selection. And it’s way the fuck out in Cedar Park. Fine. When I walked in I immediately saw why this place gets great review: Frosting Junkies. You guys kill me. A cupcake is not just a delivery mechanism for frosting. It is the mix of moist flavorful cake and the right amount and taste of the frosting. You may disagree. And that’s fine. If you can live your life knowing that you are the wrongiest wrong person that has ever walked the earth (along with you bastards that like to fuck up brownies and cookies with–ugh–nuts!) then that’s fine. I mean look at this cupcake:

Your cupcake is broadcasting it's failings

Look at that MOUND of sugar! Do you know what this cupcake is saying to me? “My cake is weak.” When you have to rely on a mountain of frosting you are telling me that your cake is not strong. It is not a strong cake. It must have aerial support. This. This will not do. Slightly deflated I ordered 6 cupcakes: 2 wedding cake, one Italian cake (which probably has nuts and I was a moron and didn’t ask first), one lemon icebox, one lemon glaze, and one chocolate chip cookie dough. Because cookie dough is awesome.


Gigis

Lookit all dat sugar!

First of all, why do you not have the basics? Is Wedding Cake supposed to be your plain jane vanilla? I judge on plain flavors. Because face it, if you can’t get basic vanilla down then what hope do I have for your “wackier” creations. Like the S’Mores cupcake. I wish I could have taken a picture of it in the case. It looked like someone rolled a cupcake in the toppings tray at an ice cream place. There was just too much going on. On the flip side, when Delish had a S’Mores cupcake, again, it was elegant. A chocolate cupcake with a toasted meringue. But I digress.

So I get these bad boys home. After dinner I decided I would try the chocolate chip cookie dough one. Right off the bat I was annoyed. I have a big mouth and yet I could not take a bite big enough to get both cake and frosting in one go. Grrr. Fine. SO I ate a bit of frosting. Guys, it was glorious. It tasted like they figured out a way to make whipped cookie dough. It tasted EXACTLY like Toll House (okay, better) cookie dough. This made me ridiculously happy. Then I tasted the cake. Total letdown. All of the flavor in the frosting didn’t make it to the cake. It was more chocolate chip muffin than cake. BUT, when put together (after scraping half the frosting off) it was perfect. It really was. It was what I was talking about: the perfect mix of frosting and cake, flavorwise. I was pleasantly surprised.
Cake Grade: C. Sorry, but the cake itself was kind of bland. Something was missing.
Frosting Grade: A+. Tasted exactly like I imagined it should!
Total Grade: B+. Together, they were great.

The Bad (compared to Delish):
–Frosting is heaped on like it’s never going out of style.
–No plain flavors. I don’t need wacky inventive all the time.

The Good (compared to Delish):
–Larger sized cupcake.
–Don’t have to find parking downtown