Incoherent Mutterings

Dear Pittsburgh “are you fucking kidding me 6 TDs” Steelers,

Holy goddamn shit, guys! I hate those uniforms with a  fucking passion. And maybe you too because 6 touchdowns. SIX. 51 to 34. I watched as Andrew Luck (my goddamn fantasy QB) tried his best to rally but no. At home,  in those horrible Three Stooges prison uniforms. Of course you were going to win. Good on you. Now do that vs the Ravens.

Dear Dallas Cowboys,

DON’T YOU FUCKING DIE ON ME, ROMO!

Dear Houston “Just Have Watt Do Everything” Texans,

You have J.J. Watt. My mom, a die hard Cowboys fan, wants your jersey. That’s how fucking awesome Watt is.

Dear Sunday,

I watched football from 9am to 10:30pm. Holy shit. Good on you for airing the London game to EVERYONE. I loved it. But shut up about the goddamn field. It’s soccer turf in a different goddamn country. ENOUGH.

Dear Kansas City Chiefs,

You won. Your Royals won (10-0!!!!). Your Kansas State cats blanked the Longhorns. That was a good weekend.

Dear Oakland Raiders,

FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

Dear Buffalo Bills,

I ain’t got a thing to say. Holy crap. I barely even know you exist and you pull that kind of a lead on the Jets. Wow.

Dear My Two Fantasy Leagues,

FUCK FANTASY FOOTBALL. ALL DAY. EVERYDAY. Why the FUCK do I play this?

Dear Dallas Football Cowboys,

2 weeks in a row. I want to believe you have changed for the better. Maybe because Jerry is not interfering as much or he’s not all there. If you are indeed on the upswing, I refuse to believe that it has anything to do with Jerry actually doing something. I prefer to think tat he has finally stopped meddling and you guys can be the team you are meant to be.

Of course…it is only October.

Dear St. Louis “Shitbird ass kicking” Rams,

OMFG, I LOVE YOU! I don’t care if you never win another game this season. You beat the Shitbirds! Without Bradford, no less! *big hugs all around*

Dear Jacksonville Jaguars,

So wait. The Browns beat the Steelers last week. You beat the Browns this week. Does that mean you’re better than the Steelers? Jesus, I hope that’s not true.

Dear Detroit Lions,

Keep on keepin’ on! 5 wins! You have come so far from that 0-16 season! So very proud of you guys. 🙂

Dear Oakland “Soon to be Los Angeles (again) or San Antonio or Bumfuck, Nebraska” Raiders,

You’re not gonna get a stadium at this rate.

Dear Pittsburgh “Haven’t lost at home on MNF in 15 games” Steelers,

*clap*

I’m glad you proved me wrong. It looked like you were going to shit the bed right up until the two minute warning in the first half. But somehow–SOMEHOW–you scored 24 unanswered motherfucking points in two minutes and 54 seconds. Let’s let that sink in. At 2:00 before the first half ended, it was 13-3 Houston. J.J. Watt was all over the goddamn field. Arian Foster was blowing up your immature defense. Then Crazy Shit(tm) happened. And the half ends 13-24 Pittsburgh. Holy fucking shit, guys. Thank you for making me proud to wear my t-shirts again.

DO NOT FUCK THIS UP.

Dear Baltimore Ravens,

Fuck you forever. Still.

Dear Fox and Pittsburgh Steelers,

First off, Fox, you tried to do me a solid by showing me the last few minutes of my beloved Steelers now complete with James Harrison. I understand why you’d do this. It was a close game (more on that in a minute). You thought people would like to see the final outcome. To this I say, “Jesus fuck why did you bother?” We would have been content just seeing the score later and not knowing the Cowboy-like circumstances that resulted in that score. Thanks, but you really shouldn’t have. Really.

As for you, Steelers. What the shit? THE BUCS??? You lose to the BUCS? This makes you worse than the Falcons. THE. FALCONS. I have no words to say to you. That last four minutes were a total shitshow and you should be fucking ashamed of yourselves.

Ugh.

Dear Dallas Cowboys,

Wow. In the second half, I thought you were going to be yourselves and let it all go, but someone either lit a fire under your asses or threatened your family members. Because you guys rallied back and were fantastic. And I’m shocked. But whatever. I seriously doubt you can keep it going all season. I’ll just take it a week at a time.

Dear J.J. Watt,

I love you. From your sacks to your TD while playing OFFENSE to your TD playing DEFENSE to your acting on The League. I love every bit of you and I hope like crazy that no off-field shenanigans come to light because I really want you to be the most awesome player ever.

Dear Detroit Lions,

LIONS! LIONS! LIONS! LIONS! LIONS!

Dear Jimmy Johnson and Michael Strahan,

You are correct. Peyton had 60 goddamn minutes to do his job. His defense had oodles of time to either prevent OT or stop the scoring. And they didn’t. Preach it, my brothers!

Dear Roger Goodell (NFL Commissioner),

Leave.

Dear Steve Bisciotti (Baltimore Ravens owner),

Leave.

Dear Entire Fucking Baltimore Ravens Organization,

Leave.

Dear ESPN,

Stop being ridiculous.

Dear Atlanta “I don’t even know what happened” Falcons,

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oh my fucking GOD that was painful to watch. Well, no. No it wasn’t. IT WAS FUCKING FANTASTIC.
I was a little angry I didn’t put in Matt Ryan (26 points) but it turned out well in the end (Andrew Luck: 36 points!).

I love you.

Dear Dallas “Fuck Jerry all day” Cowboys,

I can’t count on you fucks to do anything right. As I’ve said before, when I expect you to win, you shit the bed. When I expect you to lose, you fucking win somehow. And Sunday was definitely a “win somehow”. I’m impressed that you came back from such a large deficit. But I just can’t be happy about any win you guys get anymore. I can’t do it. You know why. Fix that one problem and you have me back.

Dear Pittsburgh “Aluminum Curtain” Steelers,

Better. Even better now that you got Harrison back for week 4.

Dear New England “I’m rich, bitch” Patriots,

You struggled. Against the goddamn Raiders. It is safe to say that your dynasty is long over. I’m sticking Jimmy’s fork in it.

Dear Detroit “Mad Max Times” Lions,

I don’t want to jinx you! Keep it up!

Dear Houston “really shitty name” Texans,

What’s wrong? What’s happening to you? Please don’t be utter shit this year. Please don’t have a Cowboys season. I can’t take the ups and downs.

Dear Cincinnati “holy shit you put WHAT on your spaghetti?” Bengals,

You’re undefeated. YOU’RE UNDEFEATED. I have no words. *slow clap*

Dear Indianapolis “I got nothing” Colts,

Jesus Christ. What you did to the Jags is almost as good as what the Falcons did to the Bucs. But you helped my fantasy league and I appreciate it. Just be consistent.

Dear Denver “the fuck is wrong with you” Broncos,

Are you and the Packers allergic to the fucking Seahawks? What the shit is wrong with the two of you?? YOu guys come up against these horribly dressed clowns and just Cowboy all over the place. What the fuck? Peyton, you are billed as the best motherfucking quarterback in the goddamn league since time fucking began. THIS IS NOT HOW YOU PLAY. FIX. YO. SHIT.