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I never posted what OSOG was in the first place. Okay. Our couch is about 6 years old. The springs are gone, the cushions are smooshed, we can feel the wooden frame every time we sit down. We need a new couch. So we went couch shopping. Nothing thrilled me like the reclining theater-like chairs that were impractical. But Aelerelean came up with a brilliant idea. Sine the futon is also made of misery and pain, why don’t we replace that with a couch (a simple, no frills couch) for guests and naps and get reclining theater seats for tv watching. ooohhh. I like this idea. A lot. We commenced shopping again. All was going to be well! Life was gonna be good!
Then my car needed $1400+ in maintenance.
So, Operation: Screw Our Guests is on hold. 🙁
I would like to take this time to look back at my Week 1 letter and see if it deserves any other comment:
Steelers:
Well shit, Dixon got hurt and I never saw him play again. Charlie Batch, however, can still get the job done! Go non assholeish old man quarterbacks! And Reed. *sigh* Sorry, but Suisham is getting the job done.
Terry Bradshaw:
Still love you. keep on keeping on! Oh wait, quit bitching about Los Angeles not having a team. They had one. They lost it. Let it goooo. If we let you have the Jaguars will you and Howie quit crying? Fine, okay, the Vikings. But they’re gonna look damn silly being the LA Vikings.
Cowboys:
I stand by what I said. There are people that don’t want good for you and there are people who actively try to fuck you up. Alex Barron still has not earned my forgiveness. But you guys also fucked yourselves. Cut it out and play some ball.
Buehler:
You suck. I cut you from my team and picked up Nick goddamn Folk who turned into a consistent kicker for the Jets.
Alex Barron:
Stiiiiillllllll waiting for that incontinent monkey and your address.
There will soon be no more football.
Playoffs start Saturday.
No more Monday night football (I missed the whole goddamn season because of school).
No more Sunday night football.
No more Thursday night football (that’s a blessing. NFL Network’s commentators SUCK BALLS).
I am beginning to experience slight anxiety. What will I do with my Sunday afternoons? My Monday nights? My Sunday nights? To keep me slightly sane, let’s take a look at this past season:
Dallas Cowboys: Fucking sucked. Sucked harder than they’ve ever sucked before. Unbelievable how bad they were. Was it really Wade Phillips fault? It must have been since once they got Jason Garrett (Really??) as interim coach, they turned it around. But that fucker Alex Barron needs a swift kick in the ass. I don’t care that his major fuck up was in week one. I have a long memory and will never forgive that sonofabitch for losing the Cowboys the game with 3 motherfucking seconds left. Has a monkey pissed in his ear yet? Somebody get me an incontinent monkey and Barron’s address!
Cleveland Browns: Um. Wow. Go Colt McCoy. He might actually be their savior. If Colt can learn to switch up his snap counts so that Polamalu doesn’t clobber him every snap.
Atlanta Falcons: I forgot these guys were even a team. And now look at them. 13-3. You go, guys!
Pittsburgh Steelers: Ben was out for 4 games. Everyone expected the Steelers to win maybe one game during that time. They won 3 out of four games thanks to Dennis Dixon and Charlie Batch. Hey, Charlie, I fucking love you man and hope you still get field time because you are the shiznit. I would have happily taken a Lions season (0-16) if it meant Ben was punished as he should have been. There’s no room for this kind of shit. But I digress. The Steelers pulled a 12-4 season and I am ecstatic. Polamalu showed that he’s still the high flying scary big haired mofo that should still cause Colt minor night terrors. But without him, the team is still lost.
Tennessee Titans: Goddamn your quarterback is a fucking drama queen. Glad you’re ditching that zero, get you a hero!
Baltimore Ravens: Yes, yes. No changes here. Ray Lewis, keep on being Ray Lewis, creepy Old Spice commercials and all.
Indianapolis Colts, New York (football) Giants: What in the ever loving fuck happened to you guys?
New England Patriots: Ha ha, you got beat by the Browns. The goddamn Browns! (yes yes, I know you got a 14-2 record)
Oakland Raiders, Detroit Lions: Holy shit, guys, I was very proud of you. The Lions got fucked by a bad call and then they had injuries. This was supposed to be your year. But next year will be better. Oakland, I dunno what to say about you. Your coach just got fired. I hope you do as well or better next year.
Minnesota Vikings: Next season, I will be able to root for you. Because Favre will finally have to sit his old broken ass down. Fuck you Favre. Fuck you long and fuck you hard with a stolen dick. You are why the Vikings sucked.
Green Bay Packers: Dear Santa, please bring Aaron Rodgers some goddamn protection so he doesn’t get a concussion every other game. Thank you.
Some time in early December, aelerelean called me at work to say “There’s something in the attic chittering and running around above my room.” FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! That’s all I needed was a damn critter in the attic. He called our pest control guy and animal control. Got no answer from the city but the pest guy said he’d drop off a trap. A trap that apparently 5 year olds can figure out but two 30-something adults cannot. Well, the critter was never heard from and the trap went out into the storage shed.
Fast forward to about a week ago. The house had a …smell. Like overripe vegetables. Did I leave something out? Is the fridge full of year old veg? Nope. Everything was fine. I cleaned a bit, I lit candles, I sprayed air freshener. The smell just got worse. And near the back of the house. Aelerelean figured there was food trash in his garbage can. All garbage was emptied. Still. The Smell. Tuesday I get up (vacation! WHOOO!) and need something from his room. I open the door and am KNOCKED THE FUCK OVER BY THE SMELL. I give aelerelean the news over chat:
me: hey. good news, bad news, and “ah fuck” news. bad news: I woke up at 6:30 this morning. good news: I located the source of the smell. It’s coming from your room. “ah fuck” news: where was the last time you heard The Critter in the attic?
aelerelean: : Ah, FUCK
We call pest guy and tell him The Critter Situation has resolved itself. He came over, sent his poor wife into the attic and…nothing. The attic was undisturbed. No rodent tracks, nothing was dug up, the insulation was just as it has been since it was put in back in 2004. And no smell. So what the fuck? It must have died in the wall. NOOOOO! small holes were drilled and a camera inserted. No critter. But we all agreed that it really didn’t smell like dead critter. Kinda more mildewy and wet like. Huh. To get rid of the smell we were told to get these odor absorbing bags. They, well, absorb odor. Even dead thing odor. Without having to remove dead thing. I highly recommend them. We hung a bag up and in no time, the smell was gone. But what was it??? We search. after a few minutes, we notice that it got stronger in a box of books. But there was nothing else in the box. Just books. Okay. Then we felt the floor. It felt slightly damp. Of course. Then we moved the bookshelf. Yup. The carpet behind the bookshelf was wet. From where?
At the spot of the first Dampening, it shares a wall with my tub where I notice some manky grout. Damn. I must have a hole! Off to Lowes to get caulk and grout and stuff. I fix that then remember that he has TWO bookshelves. We move the second one. More wet carpet. DAMN! But this shelf shares a wall with HIS bathroom. On a hunch I look under his sink.
OH MY FUCKING GOD IT WAS A SEA OF MILDEW!
We installed an under-sink water filter that apparently has been leaking for GOD KNOWS HOW LONG turning his white vanity a nice green-black. On the plus side, at least a critter hadn’t bit a hole in something or died in the wall. Nope. Just fucking water damage. So now there’s a fan and an air filter going in his room and the exhaust fan and heat lamp in his bathroom. If the vanity wasn’t so damn awkward I would suggest we caulk the shit out of the seams underneath and apply waterproof ANYTHING to it. I am so pissed right now.
Oh and guess who is allergic to molds? Yeah. All of this on top of having to shell out $1440 for strut work to my car. Everything related to struts was shot. Fuck me running. This kills Operation: Screw Our Guests. *sigh*
Happy fucking new year.
On August 10, 2009 I called it. I said that Vince Young would no longer be a Titan. Now, I was a season early, but can still say “I told you so”. Bud Adams has announced that the oh so precious (my fat ass) Vince Young would either be traded or released from the Titans. I fucking told you so. That prima donna asshole did it to himself. He can blame no one else but him. Before, I put the blame on UT for not know what the fuck to do with him and letting him do his own thing. Welp. Look where it got him. Fuck him. Shut your goddamn mouth, learn that you are human, suck it the fuck up and play some goddamn football.
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