Incoherent Mutterings

Nope. No they are not. Cats may ACT like insolent toddlers but they most certainly are not human toddler type beings. I know this. I’ve known this for quite some time. A few decades, at least. So why am I writing this? I found my self yelling at a friend’s cat like he was a child. Let me tell you a little about Lincoln.

He’s a cat. He’s an adorable cat. Beautiful markings, good temperament, eats his food, likes scritches. All that jazz. But, like many of his species, he’s a little asshole. It all started when he was a kitten. He was introduced into a house with two older cats. Sorry, Cats. Capital C. The older two Cats are very calm, well behaved, harbored no hate in their heart, just a love of scritches. And puking. God, the puking. But I digress. Lincoln was a high energy kitten. These older Cats were sedentary and rather set in their ways. So when this little high speed ball of fur showed up, not being still, getting into everything and–most importantly–GNAWING ON THE OTHER MALE CATS’ NUTS they were more than a little perturbed. Discombobulated if you will. Pissed. I and his owners shrugged it off as “he’s a kitten. he’ll grow out of it.” Well, he grew, but not out of it. See, cats don’t go from “aww lookit da pretty  little kitteh” to “hey wow, look at this nice laid back Cat” in one go. Oh. Hell. No. They must pass though Asshole Teenage Kitty phase first.  Asshole Teenage Kitty phase is usually from 4 months to 18 months. Sometimes until they are 3 to 4 years old. Sometimes never. Fuck.

To be fair, Lincoln has gotten sooooo much better. But to everyone who has watched him grow up, he’s still the Li’l Asshole. He still picks fights with the other Cats (see how much more dignified that is?) every so often, he still feels the need to run laps around the house, and he still plays just as enthusiastically as he did before. At the height of his assholeishness he managed to shred entire toilet paper rolls. No big thing right? Yeah, he’s declawed. You might call bullshit on that but I saw it with my own eyes and I was convinced right then and there his owners were going to sell him for medical experiments (they didn’t, they never would have, but he was such a terror I just knew his days were numbered). That little fucker managed to shred a roll of toilet paper with declawed paws and his teeth. If that fucker grows thumbs, we’re all in trouble.

Anyway, the whole point to this post was to tell you that while cat sitting, Lincoln was roaming around the house looking for his people. Or being annoying. Take your pick. He just would not shut up, even if I talked back to him.

Lincoln: Miiiaawww (he’s whiney. even in his meows)
Me: Lincoln! (singsong come here voice)
Lincoln: Miiiiiaaaawww (oh god where are they my world is ending)
Me: Lincoln! Come here kitty kitty kitty!
Lincoln: Miiiiiaaaawww (you know, i just really like the sound of my own voice)
Cat 1 [looking at me]:  (shut him up please)
Cat 2 [giving absolutely no fucks]: (all day with his shit. I’m just glad he quit biting my nuts.)
Me: For fucks sake, cat, come here so I can pet you!
Lincoln: Miiiiiaaaawww (fuck youuuuuuuuuu)

Fed up, I swear to god I did this, I turned in his direction and yelled “Holy Shit, Lincoln, SHUT UP and behave or I’m going to tell your people how you were being a bad boy!” Reply? “Miaaaaaaaaaaaooooooooooooowwwww.” Yeah, see how that didn’t work?

He eventually “found me” and flopped just out of arms reach and meowed again. Really? Why do cats do this. You want me to pet you then stay juuuust out of reach. Bastards. Turns out he wanted to play. Oh so the “oh my god my world is over” crying means “hey, get that dangly thing with the feather on it and play with me” ? Jesus. Well, shit, man if you had come in to the room and stayed still for 5 seconds, your problem would have been solved. Twilight loving teenage girls are easier to understand than this cat. Oh, that same cry also means “holy shit you’re in the kitchen and I think you have a can, that’s FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD! I have never seen food in my life! Give it! Give it now!” It also means “pick my heavy ass up and carry me around the house”. Yes, really. Pick him up and hold him to your chest when he’s feeling especially lonely and he’ll shut up. He looks around like a king surveying his land and you are merely his vehicle, smug little bastard that he is. Hey, just like a toddler!

So, maybe cats are toddlers. Or maybe more like drunken angry midgets. They run around doing stupid shit, getting yelled at, yelling back, sometimes imbibing until they hurl. Ever wind up a little kid who’s had too much cake at a party? Yup. *giggle*giggle*hurl* Do that to a drunk. Same results. Do it to a cat. Less puke to clean.