When was the last time you went to a movie theater? Like one of those big chain ones? Did you show up early to get a good seat or did you show up a bit later just in time to catch the opening or the trailers? I hate stumbling around in the dark looking for a seat, but I fucking hate “The Twenty” even more. Which leads to number 1:
1. Advertisements: Holy shit. Aside from spoiling every show and sometimes the goddamn movie you’re there to see, we are paying to be advertised to. I go to movies to NOT watch commercials, but here we sit, watching commercial after commercial. Because we’re a captive audience. Fuck that shit. Fuck it hard. I wanted so much to stand up and yell “This is bullshit! Why are we paying to see commercials and this horrible pre-show shit! We came here for a MOVIE, not to watch ad campaigns! Fight back! Demand to end this shit!” I would probably get pelted with $10 popcorn and $5 ICEEs.
2. Horrible goddamn movies: This article from GQ (of all places) gives us the skinny on what’s on store for 2011. “four adaptations of comic books. One prequel to an adaptation of a comic book. One sequel to a sequel to a movie based on a toy. One sequel to a sequel to a sequel to a movie based on an amusement-park ride. One prequel to a remake. Two sequels to cartoons. One sequel to a comedy. An adaptation of a children’s book. An adaptation of a Saturday-morning cartoon. One sequel with a 4 in the title. Two sequels with a 5 in the title. One sequel that, if it were inclined to use numbers, would have to have a 7 1/2 in the title.” Why? Is it Hollywood’s fault? Yeah, in the same way it’s a kid’s fault he’s overweight. The kid (kid in this case say 9 or 10 years old. old enough to know better) knows soda, pizza and candy are horrible for you but still stuffs his maw full of it because the parents don’t say “no” and won’t provide healthy options. In other words, we get shit because we’ve told Hollywood we want shit. If we stop watching shit, then the shit will stop being made. There’s two movies coming out that I couldn’t believe were real: Beastly and Red Riding Hood. Has it some to this? We need a Twilight-style Beauty and the Beast? We need Gary Oldman (possibly the ONLY person who can save this flick) in Red motherfucking Riding Hood? From the previews it might not be all that bad, there looks to be a dark twist. But Beastly? Fuck you. Fuck you and anyone who saw a sneak peek and said “OH MY GOD WE NEED THIS!” Hollywood is sitting on a bazillion scripts that could be awesome but apparently we as Americans don’t want it. We seemingly can’t watch a movie without shit blowing up, the plot spelled out exactly in Dick and Jane style (how many people do you know that couldn’t follow Inception?), or mind numbing situations?
3. Horrible TV: The writer’s strike of 1988 brought us the most foul of television shows: the reality show. Who needs writer’s? We’ll film real life, no script needed. And we ate that shit up. Come on, who didn’t rush to the TV when COPS came on, hoping to see somebody you knew? But it snowballed. America’s Most Wanted, America’s Funniest Home Videos, Incredible Sunday (formerly That’s Incredible!) were harmless enough but then we had shit like The Real World and Road Rules. This was the beginning of the end for MTV as far as I’m concerned. Look at your tv lineup now. What’s popular? A show about people trying to break into the music business. Why do we care? Because they let us vote for the next person to pump out shitty ass top 40 bullshit. Or celebrities giving a dance recital. Think about it! They learn, they rehearse and then they show off what they learned in what amounts to a recital. Only we get to tell them they suck. Well, shit, yeah they suck. This isn’t what they’re trained for! How is this entertainment?? And don’t even get me started on that Housewives of Wherever-the-fuck. So let me get this straight, instead of watching rich people act like pretend rich/poor people in unrealistic situations doing retarded shit (soap operas) we can watch ACTUAL rich people in slightly more realistic situations (that WE normal schmoes would never have) do retarded shit? Sign me the fuck up! Goddamn, this just burns my ass. Remember when celebrities were celebrities for a reason? Like, they had TALENT? Talent they had to practice and hone and get right? Not just pitch a fit or be a fucking douchebag on camera? I miss those days.
I’ll admit, I like a good brain dead “car go boom!” summer fun flick every so often or the occasional episode of Bridezillas (it’s like watching the Cowboys. I yell and scream and call them fucktarded). But this has become the rule and not the exception. We need to demand better entertainment. And that starts with NOT watching the bad shit and instead watching the good shit. We don’t all need to start watching Masterpiece Theatre (although, maybe we do if we want to keep PBS alive) or the 24/7 opera (Opera, not Oprah. and why in the blue fuck does SHE have a channel anyway???) channel. Just stop watch horrible tv and movies. If you get stuck in a bad movie, LEAVE AND DEMAND YOUR MONEY BACK. I wish I had done that during the Time Machine remake. Holy hell that was bad.
To sum up: STOP WATCHING HORRIBLE SHOWS AND MOVIES AND THEY (HOPEFULLY) WILL STOP MAKING THEM! Demand better films and television! Stop putting up with this utter shit! Be the kid who says to their parents “Hey mom, can I have an apple instead of an entire sleeve of cookies while I GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY?” And maybe, just maybe, Hollywood will be the parent who says “Sure, kid!” and will look past the Gogurt and buy real yogurt and toss the sugar saturated fruit-like snacks and purchase a real apple or banana or two.We’ll all be better for it.
Oh and Nicholas Cage? Please stop making movies. You are firmly on the post Dances With Wolves Kevin Costner path. But where his movies were just slow and boring, yours are just laughably horrid. I don’t know what happened to you, but it ain’t pretty. And never, ever, ever, ever, try a Texas accent ever again as long as you draw breath. Just…no.
