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Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-10-16

Filed Under: twitter by topenga — Comments Off on Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-10-16
October 16, 2011
  • is finally playing Cities in Motion and completely ignoring all homework. http://t.co/slKYRTyB #
  • Did anyone else see Duffman in the crowd of the Packers v Falcons game? #SNF #
  • Regular: $3:11, premium $3.29 (@ Costco Gas) http://t.co/3SLjadvE #
  • I'm at Twin Peaks – Round Rock (100 Louis Henna Blvd, at I-35 N, Round Rock) http://t.co/at27LhpA #
  • I'm at IKEA (1 Ikea Way, I-35, Round Rock) http://t.co/0IFbLuKm #
  • I'm at Steak 'n Shake (281 University Blvd., Round Rock) http://t.co/Z6fvHbAj #
  • Dear Shitty ass Lotus Notes, WHY AM I JUST NOW GETTING EMAIL FROM THREE GODDAMN DAYS AGO! Fuck you, Lotus Notes. Just…die in a fire. #
  • Dear Shitty Ass Lotus Notes, This may not have been your fault. This time. My begrudging apologies. P.S. You still suck. #imissoutlook #
  • Dear Work Issued Laptop, Why do you crash when I put you to sleep? What the hell man? Thinkpads are supposed to be awesome! Why are you not? #
  • I'm at Dragon Gate by Phoenix (3801 N Capital Of Texas Hwy, near Westlake Dr, Austin) http://t.co/hF5N8qSC #
  • BOC! GO NOW! #
  • Er, I mean, don't go now. Wait until I get one. Yeah. #wootoff #
  • I'm at Home Depot (10515 N Mopac Expwy, Braker Ln, Austin) http://t.co/wS1ssAng #
  • is finally playing Cities in Motion and completely ignoring all homework. http://t.co/slKYRTyB #
  • I'm at McDonald's (12443 Metric Blvd, W Parmer Ln, Austin) http://t.co/IMYXdnJm #
  • Where is the nearest Ace Hardware… http://t.co/ODJUzRki #
  • Dammit. Kansas is too far. http://t.co/WqWVbArF #
  • A crafty post: It has begun…. http://t.co/oIxbsGVd #
  • Austinites, if you work inside all day, don't go outside. It is far too nice out and you'll never want to go back inside. 🙁 #
  • I'm at H-E-B | Westlake Market (701 S. Capital of Texas Hwy Suite C-300, Bee Caves, Austin) w/ 2 others http://t.co/ib5MFPJQ #
  • I'm at Spec's (10515 N Mopac Expy, Austin) http://t.co/XY2KkRRk #
  • I'm at How Do You Roll? (10515 N. Mopac Expy Suite A-165, Austin) http://t.co/ZcgZghWf #
  • I'm at The Lion & Rose British Restaurant & Pub (701 S Capital Of Texas Hwy, 360 & Las Cimas Parkway, West Lake Hills) http://t.co/P8z6jCni #
  • is finally playing Cities in Motion and completely ignoring all homework. http://t.co/slKYRTyB #
  • I'm at Virg S. Rabb Playground (Round Rock) http://t.co/Cnc5Q5Rw #
  • is finally playing Cities in Motion and completely ignoring all homework. http://t.co/slKYRTyB #
  • RT @EvilJorge: No two year old's birthday party is complete until the grownups are doing shots. #

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Open Letters: NFL Week 5

Filed Under: football by admin — Comments Off on Open Letters: NFL Week 5
October 13, 2011

Dear Steelers,

Good job.  Keep it up. Play like this on the road, not just at home.

Dear Harrison,

You will never follow me on twitter because I have a potty mouth and I’m okay with that. Heal up quick, me and my fantasy team miss you.

Dear Lions,

LOVE YOU SO GODDAMN MUCH!

Dear Bears,

9 false starts? What in the hell?

Dear Eagles,

Why do you suck this year?

 

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Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-10-09

Filed Under: twitter by topenga — Comments Off on Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-10-09
October 9, 2011
  • Well that was a ludicrous display of sport. #
  • I'm at Reliant Stadium for Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Houston Texans (Reliant Park, 1 Reliant Park, Houston) w/ 54 others http://t.co/dkHeqICD #
  • I'm at Reliant Park MetroRail Station (8200-8212 Fannin St, Houston) w/ 2 others http://t.co/fQBjJzPp #
  • I'm at Kolache Factory (4101 W Parmer Ln, Between Amherst Dr & Ganymede Dr, Austin) http://t.co/LB50ptrR #
  • I'm at Michaels (10225 Research Blvd, Great Hills Trl, Austin) http://t.co/fauHl4MB #
  • I'm at McDonald's (12443 Metric Blvd, W Parmer Ln, Austin) http://t.co/Vf2AXq8g #
  • Aww. RT @qikipedia: Caterpillars do not have sex. #
  • Well. CRAP! RT @steelers: James Harrison will be out a number of weeks with a right eye fracture #
  • What the hell. The streaming apple coverage seems to be coming from dudes who I swear cannot have more than 2 hairs on their nuts. #kids #
  • yes, yes, you sold a lot of frigging iPods. Get on with it. #apple #
  • Engadget live blog: "iPads, iPads everywhere. iPads, iPads in your hair." #
  • iPhone Cards app. You can't take 5 minutes to go to the damn drugstore for a card??? #iPhone #
  • "Do I need a raincoat today?" "No you moron, you live in Texas. Wear some SPF 50." #
  • Huh. There's boxes around, there's a timeline, and there's informative emails. We might actually really move soon. #
  • I'm at Jo-Ann Fabric and Craft Store (10515 N Mo PAC Expy, Shops at Arbor Walk, Austin) http://t.co/200utGCF #
  • Cloud bank to the east is not a cloud bank. 800 acres on fire makes a lot of smoke. #centexfires #
  • I'm at Speedy Stop (12503 Lamplight Village, Austin) http://t.co/WzUPjyl3 #
  • Junk dinner night (@ Taco Bell) http://t.co/udDy4wRh #
  • I eat out far too much. (@ Kolache Factory) http://t.co/l2guySTf #
  • I'm at Korea House (2700 W Anderson Ln., Village Shopping Center, Austin) http://t.co/Z6djPntG #
  • I'm at Izumi Sushi (701 S Capital of Texas Hwy, at bee caves, Austin) w/ 2 others http://t.co/yXxlW4DE #
  • I'm at TSO http://t.co/h60Nddow #
  • I'm at 24 Diner (600 N Lamar Blvd, W 6th St, Austin) http://t.co/JjGagS4w #
  • My friend's car is acting up. IT NEEDS A SOFTWARE UPDATE. What in the fuck? #
  • Holy shit, when did they put Duckman out on dvd? (@ Fry's Electronics w/ 4 others) http://t.co/Jzjfs1r8 #
  • I'm at Michaels (10225 Research Blvd, Great Hills Trl, Austin) http://t.co/MJA6Kzid #
  • I'm at Potbelly Sandwich (10515 N Mo Pac Expy, Braker Lane, Austin) http://t.co/kYsUEfiP #
  • I'm at Original Pancake House (1700 W Parmer Ln, Metric Blvd, Austin) http://t.co/Gg762XJd #
  • So…much…pink… http://t.co/aY9KeZkE #
  • I'm at Target (5621 N IH 35, Capital Plaza Shopping Center, Austin) http://t.co/At15hGpp #
  • I'm at Bed Bath & Beyond (1201 Barbara Jorden, I35, Austin) http://t.co/le0Fqmne #

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Open Letters: NFL Week 4

Filed Under: football by topenga — Comments Off on Open Letters: NFL Week 4
October 6, 2011

Dear Steelers,

I went to Houston to watch you guys play. I spent money. Waaaaay too much goddamn money to watch you guys fuck it up. There was a point where I realized that you had possession and I thought “well fuck! We have the ball!” That’s not right, is it? I should WANT you to have the ball. But I don’t. Because you don’t do shit with it. I am horribly disappointed in you. I can’t even be angry anymore. Just…ugh. And I feel dirty for having to pick the Titans over you in the pick em.

Dear James Harrison,

How? How did you BREAK YOUR EYE??? I’m glad your surgery went well. Rest up, get healthy.

Dear Houston Texans,

You have some pretty great fans. They had awesome energy and didn’t give me too much shit as I sat there in my Polamalu jersey. Guy in front of me even shook my hand and said “good game”. Your little graphic for Mario Williams made me laugh every time he did something. Which was a lot. Much to my dismay. I enjoyed visiting your stadium and enjoyed riding your rail service (free on gamedays. how cool is that?). But holy balls is that place LOUD. I never realized how much noise 71,000+ people can make. Good on you and good luck for the season.

Dear Detroit Football Lions,

I have not yet watched the game. I got score updates all throughout the live travesty I was witnessing and thought “welp, that’s it for the Lions. They had a good steak.” Only to find that you brilliant bastards did it AGAIN. Jeezum Crow! I am so proud of y’all. Yes, it took a 0-16 season to get the talent you have now, but you know what to do with it, apparently. You are what is making this season exciting for me. Thank you. 🙂
P.S.
I watched the game. Oh man, it was like watching a slasher flick. Everything’s going great for the Cowboys, looking good. When will the killer strike? I loved pinpointing the moment everything was going to go to shit. Way to go, Lions. Way to go.

Dear Cowboys,

Can you just take a medical leave of absence for the rest of the season? Get that problem with your throat checked out. What problem, you ask? That bothersome little chocking problem that seems to pop up every Sunday. You should get that shit checked out soon.
P.S.
Costa, Ogletree: thanks for not fucking it up.

Dear Ravens,

Just let Ray Lewis coach offense and be done with it. No, really.

Dear refs,

WHAT IN THE FUCK? How many times does that poor punter have to get drilled before you motherfuckers call it? Player safety, my ass. I know punters and kickers are worth less than the warm spit dribbling out of your whistle, but goddamn. You watched that poor bastard get hit twice and didn’t call shit. It was so bad I thought I could see him shaking every time he had to kick. That ain’t right. That ain’t right at all.

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Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-10-02

Filed Under: twitter by topenga — Comments Off on Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-10-02
October 2, 2011
  • just once I'd like to see a severe weather warning and not have it be fire danger. #
  • what the fuck? The patriots should be a fucking lock ! Not giving me heartburn! #
  • Hooooly crap! Was Painter high when he took that headshot? Ahahahahahah! #SNF #
  • Wooooow. WTG, DC. RT @digitaldiatribe: Yeah, that sounds about right. http://t.co/fBgC5BAF #
  • I'm at Dragon Gate by Phoenix (3801 N Capital Of Texas Hwy, near Westlake Dr, Austin) http://t.co/YgF1lX1l #
  • What the hell. Isn't it fall? Then why is it 103 outside? Dammit! #climatechange #
  • My car has been in covered parking all day. The thermometer on the dash reads 101. #screwautumn #
  • It's 10:51am CST Tuesday morning. Has Costa been fired yet? How about beaten with a pillowcase full of oranges? #
  • Fuck! NOOOOOOOOOO. "Stephen King Is Writing a Sequel to The Shining Starring Elderly Vampires" http://t.co/t46QrrPB #
  • Like an RPG party, every company needs a 7 year old to tell you when you done fucked up: http://t.co/Eap0lZwt #
  • Are…are those clouds? What do you mean "it rained today"? #atxweather http://t.co/JM2dR4Kt #
  • I'm at Costco Gas (10401 N. Research Blvd., Austin) http://t.co/q21wrqPy #
  • I'm at McDonald's (10732 Research Blvd, Braker Ln, Austin) http://t.co/qnMdu4Rp #
  • Dean Stockwell in Dunwich Horror: creepiest, perviest looking mofo ever. #
  • Strong smell of smoke in the Braker&I35 area! #
  • I'm at Taco Cabana (12525 N Mopac Expy, W Parmer Ln, Austin) http://t.co/jyNtQCou #
  • I'm at Panera Bread (2805 Bee Cave Rd, Austin) http://t.co/UvpyXZ0F #
  • I'm at Office Depot (4501 W Braker Ln, Research Blvd, Austin) http://t.co/DOBnISHG #
  • I'm at Wendy's (12421 N Mopac Expy, W Parmer Ln, Austin) http://t.co/deQ9Wsfc #
  • I don't need to know the history of Java, JAX, and frigging Websphere. Just get to the content! #onlinetraining #
  • Burger tour! (@ Reds Porch) http://t.co/vjwtTAqW #
  • Alcohol in the middle of a workday can make any problem seem instantly solvable. #
  • Octomer starts tomorrow. Time to get your Christmas lists in order with this lovely blast from the past: http://t.co/VbJtMm4l #
  • October. October starts tomorrow. I don;t even know what the fuck Octomer is. #
  • Of course! RT @austinmills: 5th month of summer. #
  • I'm at Alamo Drafthouse Cinema – South Lamar for Tucker & Dale vs. Evil (1120 S Lamar Blvd, at Treadwell St, Austin) http://t.co/gb2OvHb9 #
  • I'm at Costco (10401 N. Research Blvd, At Braker Ln, Austin) w/ 2 others http://t.co/gYgEiPhJ #
  • I'm at Rudy's Country Store & Bar-B-Q (11570 Research Blvd, Duval Rd, Austin) w/ 3 others http://t.co/JqQx1uuz #
  • I'm at McDonald's (12443 Metric Blvd, W Parmer Ln, Austin) http://t.co/MFt4ngEh #

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Open Letters: NFL Week 3

Filed Under: football by topenga — Comments Off on Open Letters: NFL Week 3
September 27, 2011

Dear Steelers,

Get an OLine.

Dear Steelers D-line,

I still love you.

Dear Polamalu,

Goddamn, son. It looks like you’re being far more aggressive this season. Keep it up. Oh, I know you had to make a choice: Painter or the receiver. You were so goddamn close it hurt my heart. Good job, though.

 

Dear Curtis Painter,

Dude. Try not to look like a stoned surfer in your headshots.

 

Dear Romo,

I would have bet money that you guys wouldn’t win last night. Not because you suck, but holy shit, YOU HAVE A PUNCTURED LUNG AND CRACKED RIBS! Witten has bruised ribs, Bryant has a hurt leg, Austin was out, Jones had a fucked up shoulder. Those would be the reasons why I thought you wouldn’t win. I never in a million years would have thought it was your stupid ass center. What in the hell was his problem? And have you beaten him yet? Get healthy, congrats on your win against the odds.

Dear Phil Costa,

You should be beaten with a pillowcase full of oranges by your teammates. You should have to report to Rob Ryan for an ass chewing and when Rob gets tired of that, you should then have to call REX Ryan and have him berate you. Then Rex gets to keep your number on speed dial so he can have someone to yell at 24/7. AND THEN and incontinent monkey with a huge bladder gets to piss in your ear.

 

Dear Detroit Football Lions of the NFL,

Every week is a new discovery with you guys. Keep it going, please.

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Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-09-25

Filed Under: twitter by topenga — Comments Off on Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-09-25
September 25, 2011
  • I'm at Z'Tejas (10525 W Parmer Ln, at Avery Ranch Blvd, Austin) http://t.co/wlDIXJOJ #
  • Dunta Robinson better get fined and singled out just like Harrison was last year for that blatant hit. #SNF #
  • I'm at Costco Gas (10401 N. Research Blvd., Austin) http://t.co/w2PBdaCp #
  • I'm at Einstein Bros Bagels (4607 W Braker Ln, Research Blvd, Austin) http://t.co/0o6sW59e #
  • Oh yes, wireless mouse. It is completely reasonable to shine your optical light BRIGHTER to let me know your batteries are dead. #
  • Why must you talk in front of MY cube? Why can't you fucks move 10 feet in either direction? I hate you. I hate you so much. #
  • Romania has better internet speeds that the U.S. #
  • "Than" not "That". #
  • I'm at Rudy's Country Store & Bar-B-Q (11570 Research Blvd, Duval Rd, Austin) http://t.co/ZUhuswcs #
  • If required fields are required, then fucking tell me that those require fields are! #
  • Unsatisfying lunch was unsatisfying. #
  • Am I really about to drop $114 on LEGO? #
  • LEGO purchase thwarted by lack of proper credit card. You win this round, Discover card. You win this round. #
  • I'm almost grateful I got laid off from HP 3 years ago. http://t.co/10YhRld4 #
  • I'm at Berryhill Baja Grill & Cantina (3600 N Capital of Texas Hwy, In Davenport Village, Austin) http://t.co/2JbxM1cu #
  • I'm at Pluckers Wing Bar (9070 Research Blvd, at Burnet Rd, Austin) http://t.co/l4PkCxAV #
  • 🙂 blizzard! (@ Dairy Queen) http://t.co/QDROgpL3 #
  • I'm at McDonald's (12443 Metric Blvd, W Parmer Ln, Austin) http://t.co/j9xUIo2r #
  • I'm at Texas State University LBJ Student Center (601 University Dr, San Marcos) w/ 2 others http://t.co/zm7JAgAg #
  • I'm at Derrick Hall (105 Pickard St, at Texas State University, San Marcos) http://t.co/q9a7yUDn #
  • I'm at Texas State University LBJ Student Center (601 University Dr, San Marcos) http://t.co/Dtx9L0Xk #
  • I'm at Delish Bakery (209 W 3rd St, at Colorado St, Austin) http://t.co/sM8fVrZO #
  • I'm at Quality Seafood (5621 Airport Blvd, Hwy 290, Austin) http://t.co/09bAJiGD #
  • Candy cigarettes, 24 cents! (@ Spec's @ Airport Blvd) http://t.co/cKi14Anl #
  • I'm at Dragon's Lair Comics (6111 Burnet Road, Austin) http://t.co/sHm9VJ8b #
  • I'm at Half Price Books (2500 W Parmer Ln, Austin) http://t.co/BneLirm4 #
  • I'm at Target (10107 Research Blvd., at Great Hills Trail, Austin) w/ 6 others http://t.co/X3PmsjOx #
  • I'm at Threadgill's (301 W Riverside Dr., at S 1st St., Austin) http://t.co/rg7Pi2Hf #
  • Alpocalypse tour! (@ Austin City Limits Live at The Moody Theater for "Weird Al" Yankovic w/ 14 others) http://t.co/qOREcO7H #
  • See this guy? He's an asshole photographer blocking my view of a show I fucking paid to see. http://t.co/mnuTp9Uk #
  • Weird Al put on an amazing show! Aside from asshole photographer guy, I had a blast! #weirdal #acllive #
  • I'm at Kolache Factory (4101 W Parmer Ln, Between Amherst Dr & Ganymede Dr, Austin) http://t.co/KzkgWCtG #

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Open Letters: NFL Week 2

Filed Under: football by topenga — Comments Off on Open Letters: NFL Week 2
September 20, 2011

Dear Seahawks,

I don’t know what you did to get beat like that. I’m sorry you had to get the full wrath of the Steelers shame based fury. I saw very little of the game, so I can only assume you guys fucked up a lot and the Steelers took advantage.

Dear Cowboys,

Hoooooly fucking shit. Good on you, Romo, for playing on that rib to make people shut the fuck up about how much you suck (I don’t think you suck). Just rest up, heal, etc.

Dear Bengals,

I can’t trust you motherfuckers to do anything right. You can’t win when I need you to and you can’t lose when I need you to. Die in a fire.

Dear Lions,

*Disbelieving Stare*
*Slow Clap*

Dear Ben Roethlisberger,

Let’s get one thing straight. Deep down in my heart, I think I hate you. I hate you for all the stupid fucking shit you’ve done since I started watching football. Your retarded ass motorcycle accident, your “alleged” sexual assault #1, your “alleged” sexual assault #2, and really, just your big dumb redneck-y face. I really cannot stand you as a human being. But you are a good quarterback when you try. I cheered when that Raider got ejected for punching you dead in the face (hey, no fair punching). I saw you almost get Brady’d. I don’t like seeing you get hurt like that (even though my heart swelled when I heard the crowd chanting for Batch), so, I hope you’re okay.

Dear Dish Network,

I have your service. I like your service. You have a free app for my phone that will allow me to schedule recordings. This app works. I like it. But I would like it a lot more if it behaved the same way recording works when I’m in front of the receiver. Why in the FUCK doesn’t it add an automatic 60 minute padding to a sports recording like it does when I’m home? Do you know how confused and then utterly pissed I was when we were watching the Eagles-Falcons game (ludicrous display of sport!) and it suddenly stopped before it was over? Oh my fucking god. If my receiver knows to pad sports events (even Hard Knocks!) by 60 minutes, why does your app not respect this? You’re looking at my goddamned receiver! And if you can’t do that, add it as an option, what the FUCK! So now I gotta wait until Tuesday night to watch an NFL Replay (ugh) of this game so I can see if anything else stupid happened.

Dear Dunta Robinson,

Fuck you and fuck your helmet leading ass. That shit was deliberate as fuck. You didn’t even try to put your hands up or make it look like an accident. Fuck your stupid head.

Dear Roger Goodell,

You are the epitome of parent behavior that I hate. You open favor (and punish) certain “kids” over others and don’t hide that fact. Oh, I’m sure you’ll fine Dunta, but I”ll bet you won’t crucify him like you did Harrison, who while fucked some players up NEVER blatantly hit anyone like Dunta did. In fact, I know you won’t punish him the same. (Edit: $40k fine. nothing else) Player safety, MY ASS. How in the fuck is it helping player safety to nullify a play because a player lost his helmet…WHEN PLAY DOESN’T IMMEDIATELY STOP WHEN THE PLAYER LOSES HIS HELMET? The refs just let it go until the play is dead, just like always only now the play just doesn’t count. How does that help, you moron? You just…you don’t even…FUCK! God, I just hate your stupid face.

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Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-09-18

Filed Under: twitter by topenga — Comments Off on Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-09-18
September 18, 2011
  • Browns, Steelers, Lions: Why you hate me? #
  • THEY JUST CARTED MY KICKER OFF THE FIELD TWO MINUTES INTO THE GAME! #ff #
  • Fuck fantasy football, fuck pick 'em! Back to Football my ASS. #
  • I don't know why people are so upset about the #Cowboys meltdown last night. It was standard procedure for them. #
  • My GOD how I HATE Miami's colors. #MNF #
  • Hate 360, hate 360, hate hate hate 360. #atxtraffic #
  • Small rat(s) or large mouse (mice?) spotted in the office. Commencing freak out in 5…4…3… #
  • I'm at Kolache Factory (4101 W Parmer Ln, Between Amherst Dr & Ganymede Dr, Austin) http://t.co/jlgdgyq #
  • The hell. This is the longest BOC ever. Stupid 503 errors… #woot #
  • Because of the fires around Texas, there are monkeys loose in Waller county. Monkeys. Not even kidding you. One stole a deputy's cell phone. #
  • Why do they make clear heels for children?! Why is Toddlers and Tiaras a show? Why am I watching it? *mashes remote buttons blindly* #
  • I'm at TacoDeli (12001 Burnet Rd, N Mo-Pac Expy, Austin) w/ 2 others http://t.co/umc1Iic8 #
  • What the hell. Why does LEGO sell a box to hold 15 minifigs when each collection contains 16? #
  • I'm at Barton Creek Square Mall (2901 S Capital of Texas Hwy, Austin) http://t.co/nShPNNMG #
  • Minifigs series 5! (@ The LEGO Store) http://t.co/W0ga7DVk #
  • Space pimp is impressively pimpin'. http://t.co/7Qemd2L7 #LEGO #
  • OMG lookit the fat pengy!!! RT @Dezdimona16: http://t.co/WKSR7IvT #
  • I'm at Double Dave's (11900 Metric Blvd, at Stone Hollow, Austin) http://t.co/lXkM21Zc #
  • I'm at Fry's Electronics (12707 N. Mopac Expy., Parmer Ln., Austin) http://t.co/Qbd97uZh #
  • That explains everything! RT @thinkgeek: Proof Nicolas Cage is a vampire: http://j.mp/pEvApO That is all. #
  • Burger tour stop #20 (@ Cat Mountain Grill) http://t.co/uGlI7Lmi #
  • I got rained on at 2222 and Dry Creek rd! I had almost forgotten what rain felt like. #atxweather #
  • Oh you special edition mother fucker…. #
  • Fascinating fact: Crayons melt inside the digestive tract of a toddler, but they don't get absorbed into the system. #
  • Old Freak Nasty. Ahahahahaha. Oh, UT football, you never fail to entertain me. http://t.co/naXKK6nJ #
  • In which Kitty has had enough of this shit: http://t.co/IRf9cTHE #

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Open Letters: NFL Week 1

Filed Under: football by topenga — Comments Off on Open Letters: NFL Week 1
September 12, 2011

Dear Steelers,

What in the fuck? I mean…how…why…and then Ike Taylor…and Polamalu horse collared…and the seven turnovers…seven…fight…

No Superbowl hangover my ass. What in the fuck did you steal to get beat like that? I used to set shit on fire as a kid on a regular basis but never got beat like that. Fuck.

Dear Ravens,

What can I say? You showed up to play a game but ended up delivering a serious ass fucking. And that fake extra point to a 2pt conversion? Merely the sand in the lube. I can’t hate you. Ever. If your opponents want to keep not showing up and not playing like the professionals they are supposed to be, then I can’t fault you for taking full advantage of the situation. Good job.

Dear Chargers and Vikings,

Thanks to the free RedZone preview I got to see the start of your game. I turned my head for a split second and turned back around to find my fantasy football kicker being carted out. That’s gotta be some kind of record for kicker killing. Well. Um, good game I guess. I was just too shell shocked from my poor pick’em and fantasy picks to pay much attention.

Dear Jets,

Um. Wow. That was an exciting as hell game. I hope all of your games are like this.
Dear Rex and Rob Ryan,

You know how they always joke about the good and evil twin? You guys are the epitome of that. Rex looks like the good twin, Rob, you look like the evil one. But really, I think if anyone crossed either one of you, it would go poorly.

 

Dear Cowboys,

Congrats on proving that you are, indeed, Jerry Jones’s Cowboys. Ahead and doin’ fine then fucking it all up at the last possible second. And I can’t even blame Alex Barron for it like last year. I’m sure I heard my mother, 15 miles away, lose her shit. Who fucked up that snap? I mean, shit, Romo looked like he was sauntering across the field and suddenly got smacked in the chest. I have never seen a snap bungled quite like that. Stop fucking up.

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