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900!

Filed Under: Misc by topenga — Comments Off on 900!
May 2, 2012

WordPress has just notified me that this is my 900th post. Hooray!

Wait, does that include the Twitter digests?

Shit.

 

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Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-04-29

Filed Under: twitter by topenga — Comments Off on Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-04-29
April 29, 2012

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An Open Letter To Shoppers At The Whole Foods In The Gateway Shopping Center

Filed Under: smacktard by topenga — Comments Off on An Open Letter To Shoppers At The Whole Foods In The Gateway Shopping Center
April 25, 2012

Dear Whole Foods Gateway Shoppers,

I fucking hate you. I hate you so goddamn much. You are the most self centered, self absorbed, no-common-sense-having cunt waffles I have ever run across. What is it about you that makes you think it’s perfectly okay to snipe a parking space from me when I am sitting RIGHT FUCKING THERE? You saw me, asshole. I know you did. You sped into that spot, hoping you were going fast enough so that I wouldn’t see you, I suppose.

Why do you feel that it is perfectly fine to just push in front of my while I’m looking at overprices stinky cheeses? You weren’t asking the cheese mongers a question. You just got in front of me like I wasn’t even there. You are the cunty-est of cunt waffles. No, I’m sorry. You’re not. You’re a cockbag.

I will be so glad when that location closes and the new one opens in the Domain. I really will. But a part of me knows that it won’t help. Yes, there will be more parking. Yes, you ass munchers will have room to spread out in the store. But it also means that there will be MORE of you. I can handle you dick cheeses at Costco. Not so many of you there. Oh yes, I know you shop at Costco. How do I know? You don’t put your fucking carts away and you act like King Shit in the store as well.

I hate you all. You make me dread going to Whole Foods. I want to do nothing more than to spit on your car door handles. If I were a dude, I would happily piss on your oh so expensive (looking) wheels. Your children are just as unruly as the little nasty fucks in Wal-Mart, only cleaner and with the same “I’m so much better than you because I’m at Whole Foods” attitude as you.

I weep for future generation.

Die in an organic, soy based, ethically grown oat bran fueled fire.

Sincerely,
Normal people who just want to pick up a little something from Whole Foods

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Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-04-22

Filed Under: twitter by topenga — Comments Off on Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-04-22
April 22, 2012
  • is finally playing Civilization V http://t.co/ciduWYxi #
  • I'm at Alamo Drafthouse Cinema – Village for Juan of the Dead (Juan de los muertos) (Austin, TX) w/ 11 others http://t.co/0aAhMB6O #
  • Stupid taxes wouldn't efile. Now I gotta remember how the US mail works…. (@ USPS Post Office) http://t.co/4Sd2vSOO #
  • I just unlocked the “4sqDay 2012” badge on @foursquare! Cupcakes and crowns for all! http://t.co/6tOkEteV #
  • I'm at Tacodeli (Austin, TX) http://t.co/ow8UzxQU #
  • I'm at Gracy Food Mart (Austin, TX) http://t.co/wd4OMme1 #
  • This has got to be the dumbest goddamn thing I've seen in a while: http://t.co/gi45iwti #
  • Can't believe I'm going to say this, but I miss the overly verbose phone bills from AT&T. #
  • Internet was out all day. TWC called and said it was fixed. They lied. Still have no internet. #
  • I shouldn't have to yell obscenities at your automated phone thing to get to a fucking human. #
  • Having your customer support person use a tone of disbelief when I say that his reboot solution didn't work does nothing but piss me off. #
  • I'm at Tacodeli (Austin, TX) http://t.co/CogS7Cdm #
  • Internet is out, my phone rebooted by itself, work laptop doing crazy shit. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON????? #
  • "Preparing desktop"?? What are you preparing it for? Space??? #
  • Called in to meeting. Waited on hold for 6 minutes. No one joined. Am I taking crazy pills today? #
  • I demand a redo of the last 24 hours. #
  • I'm at Walgreens (Austin, TX) http://t.co/eGkaD7qz #
  • So….there's still maintenance going on in my area. But TWCs phone system and CSRs don't know it. This is frustrating the tech and me. #
  • Oooh. Now he's calling in backup. Is it his meter? Is it the cap? Stay tuned to find out! #
  • is finally playing Cities in Motion http://t.co/ciduWYxi #
  • Blargh! It's looking like a Taco Bell day. #
  • .@FauxJohnMadden breaking news before CNN. Wow. #
  • is finally playing Cities in Motion http://t.co/ciduWYxi #
  • I'm at Indian Spicy Kitchen (Austin, TX) http://t.co/OC2thXo9 #
  • Really, really, really, want a Nike+ Fuelband. I already have a Fitbit at almost half the price. #firstworldproblems #
  • Dammit, UK! I thought you were cooler than this! *grump* http://t.co/97Lp003j #2012olympics #
  • I'm at Dollar Tree (Austin, TX) http://t.co/8KCPjhmE #
  • I'm at Conans Pizza North (Austin, TX) http://t.co/gMWBlpkF #
  • I'm at Whole Foods Market (Austin, TX) w/ 6 others http://t.co/AgE13LqG #
  • Fuck this stupid ass bitch. http://t.co/jR2aqx2I #
  • Dear Laptop: You are docked. Use the goddamned ethernet port and not the shitty wireless on every reboot. #
  • Had to reassure @aelerelean that the Wine and Cheese Fest at SPec's would be NOTHING like the hell that was the Austin Beer Fest. #
  • I'm at Fry's Electronics (Austin, TX) w/ 3 others http://t.co/0Z605ASh #
  • I'm at Original Pancake House (Austin, TX) w/ 5 others http://t.co/leG6iH3u #
  • I thought we were done with this cpu specific memory crap! (@ Fry's Electronics) http://t.co/91jSMmKN #
  • City wide garage sale (@ Lester E. Palmer Events Center) http://t.co/y07dsKUv #
  • I'm at Dragon's Lair Comics (Austin, TX) http://t.co/0d7mWcIY #
  • Wine and cheese fest! (@ Spec's w/ 9 others) http://t.co/mT5ByIua #
  • I just unlocked the “Keep Austin Weird” badge on @foursquare! See ya on SoCo! http://t.co/jkoFeagD #
  • I'm at Central Market (Austin, TX) w/ 2 others http://t.co/geEYlJiB #

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Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-04-15

Filed Under: twitter by topenga — Comments Off on Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-04-15
April 15, 2012

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Good Idea, Shit Execution: Austin Beerfest

Filed Under: Life, Reviews by topenga — Comments Off on Good Idea, Shit Execution: Austin Beerfest
April 10, 2012

March 31st, I and two others attended the Austin Beerfest out at the Travis County Expo center. I thought “cool! drink beer all day!”. This was my attempt to get out more and do more stuff around town. Stuff outside of what we normally do. This experience would lead me to believe that the best course of action on a beautiful looking spring day in central Texas is to stay the fuck inside and play vidya games. Seriously.

Warning Sign?

It all started when I saw a Groupon for $35 for admission for two to this fest. Groupon fucked up and I ended getting 2 pairs of tickets. Goddammit. Fine. In the days leading up to the event, Aelerelean was sick. Like, really sick. Not just allergies kind of sick. Got sent home from work, sick. So when the Saturday arrived, I almost said “fuck it. I’ll eat the money, you’re sick.” but before I could, he said “when are we leaving.” We gathered up another friend and headed out for the Expo center.

In the car

So, here we are, merrily motoring down the road towards the expo center. We get to the gate that is the usual gate for entering this place. Every carnival, every hockey, it’s always this gate. Today, however, this was not the gate we were looking for. There was a sign. A small sign hanging on the closed gates saying “Gate 3 —>”. In other words, keep moving. We were lucky that we saw it. Others were not. They had turned into the entrance (I don’t know why or how) only to be told by someone that they were at the wrong gate.  Onward we push.

Still in the car

Aelerelean pulls into the center turn lane. I pipe up “hey, that gate is also closed! why are we in the turn lane?” Why? Because the gate we needed was actually off of Decker Ln. proper, where Loyola turns into Decker. More than half a mile from where we were now. Yes. The line was that long. And not moving. Fuuuuuuck. We joke, we laugh, we talk. We sulk, we grumble, we threaten to throw shit atcars getting out of line, going through the light, making a u-turn and cutting through the gas station.

Still in the goddamn car

We finally can see the light only 3 cars ahead of us. It has been a great many years since I had been here. I forgot that multi-lanes Loyola turned into to TWO LANE DECKER. TWO LANES, ONE EACH WAY! THREE FUCKING DIRECTIONS OF TRAFFIC FUNNELING INTO ONE HORRIBLY MAINTAINED FUCKING LANE. Kill me now. We could have turned back. We could have. We should have. But goddammit, the tickets were bought, we’d been in the car for at least an hour. BY GOD WE WERE DRINKING SOME FUCKING BEER! We finally turn onto Decker, towards the fabled Gate 3. The light changes and our ass is hanging out blocking traffic. Aelerelean gets upset because “they’re going to hit us.” I roll my eyes. Why? The people we are “blocking” are turning right. Onto Decker. Going the same fucking place we are. They’re not going to hit us, for fucks sake.

Jesus Christ I’m sick of this car

We inch (notice I didn’t sat “motoring”?) along the road. And watch as cars pass us going the other way. Leaving the event. Wait, what? It didn’t start until 2? It’s maybe 3! What’s going on? Oh there was another event before this one and they are emptying out. Oh, n problem. Wait, why is the sheriff leaving? Three frat boys pass us going toward Gate 3. On foot. No shit, they parked at the gas station and walked.

Is that the gate????

GATE 3!!!!! We’re here! In line. To park. For $10 (oh did I mention that there was no mention of a parking fee?). Hey, who is that up there? THE FRAT GUYS. THEY BEAT US. We inch our way along. Is that ONE PERSON TAKING MONEY FOR PARKING? No. Two. Whoopie. Another 20 minutes to get through the now split line.
Notable sightings at this stage:
–Frat Boys on foot. They were inside long before we had even parked.
–Guys who got a cab, found out there was a parking fee, dropped the guys off, made a u-turn and left.
–Williamson County Constable doing 2 things: jack and shit.
–Two guys got out of a car right at the turnoff into the parking lot entrance road, and a girl drove off in the car while they walked. Fuck paying $10.

If I had a ten I would have given it to you in the first fucking place

Finally. Our turn to pay for the privilege of parking in one of the worst maintained parking lots ever. Since this debacle was my fault, I ponied up a 20 dollar bill for parking and was immediately asked “Do you have anything smaller? we’re running short of $10’s”. It’s not even 2 hours into the event AND YOU’RE ALREADY OUT OF CHANGE? We all just stare at her, wordlessly. Because now, in our minds, she’s the only thing between us and sweet sweet beer. She gives me my change, directs us to parking (“cars are gonna be comin’ at ya for a while but don’t worry, they won’t hit ya!”) and we TEAR ASS towards the parking. Oh look. People directing traffic. Finally. No, there was no one directing shit when we needed it. Just here. We park. “Oh cool! Right by the building. Wait, why is everyone walking past the building?”

What do you mean it’s outside?

Parked, we get out and follow the herd. The herd stops suddenly. I cannot see the front of the line. There are no multiple lines. We’re all in one long ass line. Friend ventures off to gather information. Nothing. Word filters back that if you have a Groupon or Google ticket, you are in the line on the right, regular tickets on the left. We break away and get much closed. I can now see the front of the line. Where there is ONE PERSON CHECKING TICKETS. We are so close, we can see the promised land. And then…

We were warned. We did not listen

A pair of people are LEAVING. Leaving from the very gate we are entering. Surely they need to run out the their car? No. It was not even 4pm. They shake their heads sadly “Don’t go. Not worth it. Soooo not worth it.” But, but I already paid….

We should have listened. Why didn’t we listen.

We get there. Finally. I get my stamp, my beer tickets, Aelerelean’s beer tickets, and head for the thump-thump-thump of the DJ just inside the gate.

First order of business? Bathroom. No sorry. Port-a-Potties. Son of a bitch. We crest a small hill and The Fest is laid out in front of us in all of it’s glory. In the well abused asphalt parking lot of the Expo Center. Let me be very clear here and say that none of this debacle is the Expo Center’s fault. None. They were just the site of the horribleness.  [Edit: It was all the Expo Center’s fault. Exclusivity agreements are 100% rotten ass. Reddit to the rescue: http://www.reddit.com/r/Austin/comments/rn51y/anyone_else_underwhelmed_by_austin_beer_fest_this/] [Edit 2: Fuck everybody associated with this piece of shit.] Here is a picture of the center:

128 acres. I had assumed (stupidly) we would be in the building marked “4”. We were parked in the lot to the left of “4”. We went from that lot to where the FEST was laid out. The area behind and to the right of “5”. That parking lot area. Minimal trees, Port-a-Potties in the sun. This, I was told, was the best part of the Fest. Since it was still early, the potties weren’t horrible yet. While the guys answered nature’s call, I found a margarita stand.  Nicest pair of ladies ever. Damn fine margarita as well. The cost? 7 tickets. You only got 6 with your admission. You could buy MORE tickets (that line was long as fuck). I paid my 7 tickets. That was 7 tickets well spent. I told the women that people are going to be super pissed because of the horribly long waits to get in. while describing the long wait, I spied the entrance for people who did not pre-buy tickets. That line? 2 people. deserted and so far away from every other entrance. Why? Why do that? I pointed it out to them. “That’s for people who didn’t buy ticket ahead of time???” Yep.

Once the men returned, we ventured forward to the rest of the fest. Oh, did I mention that the margarita stand was all by itself? There was also a lonely lemonade stand and a lonely kettle corn stand. In the sun. No shade.

Beer tickets

These beer tickets were for beers and food. Cool! Samples must be free! This was my mistake. I didn’t read. Samples are 1 ticket. A sample is 2oz. do you know how much/little 2oz is? Not a lot. They were jello shot/condiment cups. These:

 

Yeah. That small. It had a head of foam on it too. So really? One ounce of beer. Warm beer. Why was it warm? Come to find out, they were still unloading beer from non refrigerated trucks at 2:51 pm. The event started at 2, remember? I tried 3 beers. Beers that could be acquired from any Spec’s, Whole Foods, Central Market, or hell, even HEB. Friend tried 5. See, he bought a margarita, too and had the benefit of the other nonexistent person’s tickets. We both agreed it was the best thing we tasted all day. For 7 tickets. (Aelerelean would like it noted that “It’s not Margarita Fest, it’s fucking BEERFEST.”)

Off in the distance we see a stage. I know there is a band playing because when I did a foursquare check-in, that was the event listed. Not BeerFest, but some band’s concert. If you were there to see them, then I hope to shit you got your money’s worth because I sure as hell didn’t. Finally I was down to 2 tickets. We hadn’t even made it halfway through the “Fest”, the stage remained off in the distance. We did not give it a glace. I turned to a woman who looked like she might be enjoying herself and said “hey, want some ticket? We’re getting the fuck outta Dodge.” Her reply “Hey thanks! I totally understand.”

We made our way toward the entrance/exit. Grumpy, hot, thirsty, beerless. I passed a guy in a pale blue shirt reading “Remember the Oilers.” with the Houston Oilers logo. Best thing ever.

A warning to the others

We reach the gates. And decided t o pay it forward. we began to tell everyone EVERYONE that was in line as we trudged back to the car not to go. “Don’t go. Not worth it, you’ll be disappointed.” some people grinned. Some ignored us. Some stopped and listened. They asked why, we told them. Doubt crept over their faces. “But I already paid!” “I did, too, brother! Eat the cost and just go home!”

Now there are volunteers telling people what line is what. They even have signs. Too bad they’re near the FRONT of the line. By the time you get there, you know where to go. We walk further. Now there’s a guy in a referee shirt directing people where to go. And he’s 100% wrong. He is telling them the EXACT OPPOSITE of what they’re saying at the front. He is also trying to counteract our warning. The friend that joined us said he should have been ashamed of himself for duping these poor people.

We reached the car just as a group of people got out of theirs. We told then not to bother. They stopped. They asked why. We told them. “You don’t get nothing for free?” No, my friend. There is nothing free. They almost got back into the car. We didn’t stop to check.

Getting the fuck out of Dodge

We head toward Gate 3. Halfway down the road, we stop. No one is coming the opposite direction. Why? I look towards the expo center. They opened a different gate. A gate that should have been open in the first fucking place. So now traffic is backing up (still) and blocking our way out. It would be a bad idea to leave the way we came in. We break through the traffic and we blissfully made our way back home.

Summary

So that was my experience. I took zero pictures, yet I saw many people who did. Had I thought ahead and posted this earlier, I could have been part of this review. Note where the pictures came from. Yeah. It was that bad. To be fair, I made some assumptions myself. Like 1) assuming it was indoors and 2) not reading what the tickets were for. But this was really the most disorganized event I have ever been to. How are you still setting up at 2:51? How do you fail to publish that parking is $10? And holy shit $10??? After you pay $25 to $200 (why in the FUCK would you pay $200???) then have to pay more to get a decent drink? Jesus Christ! No one directing the miles of traffic trying to get in to the ONE LANE ROAD to the gate? They saw the error of their ways as we left but that was still a clusterfuck because now, instead of going on a light, there is no light and you can be a complete bastard.

Now, the venue I thought was okay. If it were downtown, I wouldn’t have gone. Fuck trying to park downtown. Is that stupid ass train even running on weekends now? Would there have even been a venue close to a station? Probably not. I think the Expo Center catches a lot of shit because of its location on the *ahem* wrong side of town. Which is a shame because no one has a problem going out to the rodeo or carnival. It is plenty big enough to have an event like this probably without breaking the budget. The roads leading to it, however, are shit.

And why wasn’t it inside? Well, in late March/early April in Austin, IT’S NOT HOT. This was a freak kind of weekend. If the breeze kicked up, it was quite nice. But there was no breeze. It was an overly hot cloudless day. Which just doesn’t usually happen at this time of year. The organizers couldn’t have done anything about that. But it most certainly didn’t add anything to the now wasted day.

I shoulda stayed home. Warm beer there, too.

Worst. Event. Ever.

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Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-04-08

Filed Under: twitter by topenga — Comments Off on Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-04-08
April 8, 2012

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Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-04-01

Filed Under: twitter by topenga — Comments Off on Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-04-01
April 1, 2012

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Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-03-25

Filed Under: twitter by topenga — Comments Off on Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-03-25
March 25, 2012
  • If your son says he's converted to Islam, you probably shouldn't respond by cutting off his beard in the middle of the night. #lillehammer #
  • WHY CAN YOU NOT STOP YOUR OWN PROCESSES WHEN I TRY TO UNINSTALL??? #
  • AND IF YOU CAN'T STOP THEM, AT LEAST TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK THEY ARE! #
  • Not worksafe by any stretch of the imagination. But I just had to share Fucktopus. http://t.co/I24yL5u1 #
  • My monkey will not un-fuck! This is getting serious! 🙁 #
  • The "vote as often as possible" joke from politicians just is not funny. It's not. Stop it. #
  • Manning to the Broncos. Crap! I don't want to watch the Broncos. Dammit! #
  • Manning watch is over…Tebow Watch has just begun. CRAP! #
  • What the Christ?? RT @digitaldiatribe: Holy crap, NetZero still exists: http://t.co/7BrZUmt0 #
  • Why can I only import ONE testcase at a time?? I have 298 of these fuckers to import!!!! FUCK! #
  • Forced to choose between the two (death not an option), I honestly would choose an Uwe Boll movie to anything by Michael Bay. #
  • I'm at Sea Dragon (Austin, TX) http://t.co/tpvAIjwS #
  • I'm at North By Northwest (NXNW) (Austin, TX) http://t.co/Mdxka15h #
  • I'm at North By Northwest Restaurant & Brewery (10010 N Capital Of Texas Hwy, Austin) http://t.co/ehF70sli (+10pts) #
  • I'm at Whole Foods Market (Austin, TX) w/ 3 others http://t.co/fiualrzD #
  • is finally playing Cities in Motion http://t.co/ciduWYxi #
  • What in the everloving fuck? RT @digitaldiatribe: This is such bullshit, fuck people: http://t.co/Oyh3UKuJ #
  • http://t.co/jJSJBFuf #
  • I'm at Cool River Cafe (Austin, TX) http://t.co/j27uOnX0 #
  • Nut allergic person next to me served salad with nuts. She sent it back. No-nut version arrives. There's nuts in the dressing. Really? #
  • Our menu is fixed. We had no idea what was in the salad before it arrived. Nuts are bad. Bleah. #
  • I'm at Spec's (Austin, TX) http://t.co/4Nk1WIx1 #
  • I'm at The Park at the Domain (Austin, TX) http://t.co/yyBbzKKr #
  • What a fucking moron. http://t.co/JJlcZHhc #
  • Did I really just watch 2 goons eat dogfood?? What am I doing with my life? #
  • I'm at Big Daddy’s Burgers & Bar (Austin, TX) http://t.co/u4W6ifPi #
  • I just unlocked the Level 5 "Flame Broiled" badge on @foursquare! Preettty much an expert. http://t.co/uIJFxObL #
  • What in the christ is Baylor wearing? #ncaa #
  • I'm at 620 Café And Bakery (Round Rock, TX) http://t.co/F8EA3pLj #
  • I just unlocked the Level 2 "Fried Check-in" badge on @foursquare! In it to win it! http://t.co/zu3xtSsQ #

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Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-03-18

Filed Under: twitter by topenga — Comments Off on Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-03-18
March 18, 2012

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