It is a scant 8 days until Christmas. Many of you have completed your shopping and are feeling quite satusfied with your purchases and plans for Christmas morning/day. After reading the “worst presents” thread on the Something Awful forums and some of the horrible shit that goes down, I feel I must write this.

Parents: It is not funny to get the empty box ofthe thing your kid wants most in the whole wide fucking world–would rape, murder, rob, kill, maim, to get–and fill that box with ANYTHING other than that thing. Your kids want an XBOX 360? Don’t find a box and fill it with winter clothes, socks, or god for-fucking-bid UNDERWEAR. This shit is not funny. Filming it and posting it on YouTube is also, NOT FUCKING FUNNY. Fucking over your kid, filming it, posting it on YouTube, AND asking the kid to look into the camera and CRY is also NOT MOTHERFUCKING FUNNY. Why do this? To teach kids “you can’t always get what you want?” There’s 15 million better ways to do this. Kid has been asking for ever for this mondo expensive thing. If you can’t afford it, TELL THEM. When I was a kid there’s lots of shit I wanted that we couldn’t afford. A simple “Well, Topenga, Santa may not be able to get that.” or, if the kid is older “I don’t know, Bobby, that’s kind of expensive. We can’t really afford it.” If you haven’t raised a bratty demon spawn, then the kid will understand (he’ll still hope it’s under the tree) and not be horribly disappointed. But taking the box of the thing he wants and filling it with clothes? You know what you just taught that kid? Not that “we can’t always get what we want”. Oh no. You just taught him “Parents Cannot Be Trusted.” Ever. Don’t fucking do this. Just don’t.

Now, if you’re gonna get the kid the thing and you want to play a little trick first. That’s not horrible. You know, let them unwrap a box roughly the same size and it’s not it or games for the console but not the console and say “ah shit, I thought PS3 games played on PS2” or something, or even better, pull the good old A Christmas Story thing and hide the box and go “hey, whassat over there? Go get it for me, so we can see who it’s for.” That’s cool. But for the love of fuck, make sure your kid’s not a brat. This will not work on them. It will piss you off so much that you don’t want to give them Super Awesome Gift.

Parents: Some of you play favorites. That’s straight up bullshit. Giving one kid a $20 and an I.O.U. for a digital camera (that you never make good on) while the other gets an $800 laptop, dvds, games, etc IS NOT COOL. EVER. EVER EVER EVER. Fucking hell. What did that kid ever do to you? Were they stealing your shit to buy drugs? Did they set fire to the dog? What? True, there could be some legitimate extenuating circumstances, but for the most part DO NOT DO THIS. Kids see it and recognize it and most times don’t know what the fuck. Congrats on screwing up your kid. Jesus fuck. Common decency.

Extended family: Many of  you fuckers do this shit too. KIDS KNOW. THEY SEE IT. They have no idea what they did to piss grandma off to make her give them a dirty, ancient packet of Kool-Aid while their cousins get toys and games and cash. Fuckign cut it out. You got something against your own child because of who they are or who they married, tough. Dont take it out on the grandkids. Jesus fuck. Common decency again.

Spouses/Significant Others: AN APPLIANCE IS NOT A GIFT UNLESS THEY EXPRESSED AN INTEREST IN GETTING ONE. “I’ll get wifey a new vacuum because she is my wife and wives like shit like that for CHRISTMAS.” No, no they fucking don’t unless it’s the aforementioned “Wow. our vacuum sucks (hah!) I’d like to get this Super Awesome 15 Function thing!”  And on the flip side, ladies, don’t give power tools to your guy if he has never expressed an interest in them.

“Don’t be a jerk, it’s Christmas.” — Spongebob

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