*snore*whistle*snort*

Whuzzat? What? Oh shit. Week 2 starts today. Fucking Thursday football. Hate Thursday football.

 

Dear Cowboys,

I say this every season, I know, but I can’t trust you fucks to do anything right. How dare you come out and actually, you know, look good and play decent ball? How dare your defense not look like shit? How dare you actually give Romo some blocking so he’s not running for his life every play? And how dare you beat the goddamn New York Football Giants, thereby ruining both my pick’em and my fantasy team?

Harumph.

 

Dear Victor motherfucking Cruz,

Monkey piss. Your ear. Your Gatorade.

 

Dear Eli “Herp Derp” Manning,

You looked as clueless as Wade Phillips. Really. Go look at Wade sometimes on the sidelines. During his time on the Cowboys, we doubted he knew where he was. That’s how you looked. And I can understand that, because you sure as fuck did not look like a Superbowl winning team.

Fix your shit.

 

Dear Steelers,

Any other time I would be losing my mind over you losing to the Broncos. The BRONCOS. THE GODDAMN SHITTY ASS BRONCOS WITH EAR BLEEDING ORANGE JERSEYS. Yeah, I said ear bleeding. Because that’s how loud that orange is. You looked “okay”. You have looked better. And you could have easily beat another Broncos team. But this is not an old Broncos team. You were playing Peyton. You got beat by Peyton. Get healthy. Step up your game and try not to take it too hard. I won’t.

 

Dear Polamalu,

There were two distinct plays near the end of the game where you had Peyton scared. We saw it. He called his play, you shifted, he called another play, you shifted, he freaked and called a timeout. You rattled Peyton Steel Neck Manning. You did that. I love you for it.

 

Dear RG3,

Please do this all season, erry season.

 

Dear Browns,

You suck. No you suck more than usual. What the shit was that with Weeden? He had a QB rating of 6. SIX. Out of what, 140? Dear lord. Maybe it’s first game jitters. But holy balls that was an amazing amount of suck. Not that the Eagles were any better.

 

Dear Jets,

WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING IN PRESEASON? WHERE WAS THIS LEVEL OF PLAY? *sputter* *sputter* Our theory: you played from a shitty middle school playbook for preseason, then showed off your awesome plays for the regular season. That’s gotta be it. Because how do you go from one touchdown in all 4 weeks of preseason to…whatever that was? On the other hand, you were playing the Bills. So maybe I shouldn’t get my hopes up just yet.

 

« »