Dear Steelers,

What in the fuck? I mean…how…why…and then Ike Taylor…and Polamalu horse collared…and the seven turnovers…seven…fight…

No Superbowl hangover my ass. What in the fuck did you steal to get beat like that? I used to set shit on fire as a kid on a regular basis but never got beat like that. Fuck.

Dear Ravens,

What can I say? You showed up to play a game but ended up delivering a serious ass fucking. And that fake extra point to a 2pt conversion? Merely the sand in the lube. I can’t hate you. Ever. If your opponents want to keep not showing up and not playing like the professionals they are supposed to be, then I can’t fault you for taking full advantage of the situation. Good job.

Dear Chargers and Vikings,

Thanks to the free RedZone preview I got to see the start of your game. I turned my head for a split second and turned back around to find my fantasy football kicker being carted out. That’s gotta be some kind of record for kicker killing. Well. Um, good game I guess. I was just too shell shocked from my poor pick’em and fantasy picks to pay much attention.

Dear Jets,

Um. Wow. That was an exciting as hell game. I hope all of your games are like this.
Dear Rex and Rob Ryan,

You know how they always joke about the good and evil twin? You guys are the epitome of that. Rex looks like the good twin, Rob, you look like the evil one. But really, I think if anyone crossed either one of you, it would go poorly.

 

Dear Cowboys,

Congrats on proving that you are, indeed, Jerry Jones’s Cowboys. Ahead and doin’ fine then fucking it all up at the last possible second. And I can’t even blame Alex Barron for it like last year. I’m sure I heard my mother, 15 miles away, lose her shit. Who fucked up that snap? I mean, shit, Romo looked like he was sauntering across the field and suddenly got smacked in the chest. I have never seen a snap bungled quite like that. Stop fucking up.

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