Dear Cowboys,

Meh. That’s all I can say. Meh. It’s preseason.You had, what, 9 days of training camp? Still looked pretty good. I will tune in just to look at Rob Ryan. He looks positively evil.

Dear Tebow,

Oh. Oh my. That 3 foul, Cowboy-killing play was hilarious. I think you will do well in Denver.

 

Dear Steelers,

It’s preseason. That’s what I keep telling myself. But you guys kinda sucked. Like, you didn’t come together until too late. Again, you like everyone else, spent a hot minute in training camp. But I was still disappointed in your first string performances.

 

Dear Patriots,

47 points? In preseason? Fucking hell. You guys might be the only non underdog winners this season.

 

Dear Bears,

Hooooly shit. Looking fine, guys. Damn fine. Showed the Cowboys that Marion Barber still has many, MANY yards left in him when applied correctly.

 

Dear Raiders,

Oh God. You lost everyone. I don’t even know who’s on your team anymore. I just don’t even know what to say.

 

Dear Lions,

HOLY FUCK, GUYS! I am SO WATCHING YOU THIS SEASON!

 

Dear Browns,

Oh Lord, Colt McCoy is actually really good. And Seneca Wallace. You and the Lions have a real shot this year if this keeps up!

 

Dear Local Austin Affiliates,

Fuck you guys. Fuck you all. NFL Network was supposed to air the Packers-Browns game. But it didn’t in Austin. Why? Because somebody must have told them it was going to be aired locally. Only one of you fuck ups DIDN’T air it. So I had to find alternate means to watch this game. I did not like those means. Why didn’t you air the goddamn game? Who cares about your shitty Saturday night lineup? Does anyone watch COPS anymore? No. Idiots.

« »