I woke up this morning to damage reports coming in from various points of my body:

Eye: hurting and itchy
Lips: feeling puffy and a little painful
Knuckles: bruised and cut
Ankle: hurting
Sides and back: stiff, painful but can breathe okay

What the hell happened last night? The last thing I remembered was coming home from a friend’s house after a relaxing night of drinks and pizza. I get out of bed to find that my ankle hurts because I have sprained it and my lips are indeed swollen. Holy shit! Upon coming out of my bathroom, I trip over a bag that I know wasn’t there yesterday. Inside? About $500 in dirty crumpled small bills. I chuckle. Well, I may look and feel like hell, but whoever’s ass I kicked, must be feeling worse. Awesome way to start the day!

What really happened:

I had a couple of glasses of wine and a calzone from a new (to me) pizza place. My lip started to swell a bit. I took a shower, went to bed and woke to a big ass upper lip. Song of the South huge. I should have been crying out “Oh Lawdy, Lawdy, please don’t throw me in dat dere briar patch!” Yeah. No fucking clue what happened. Maybe an allergy to the food or good wine (gotta start drinking cheap wine. oh noes. my life is overs). My eye felt like I had sand thrown in it. No idea about that either. My ankle? Geek accident. I rolled it coming out of Fry’s yesterday morning. My knuckles don’t hurt and neither does my back or sides. And the bag o’ cash was just wishful thinking. Yeah, the last couple of days have been a perfect storm of suck.

But the first story sounded fucking sweet, didn’t it?

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