Category: football


NFL Open Letters: Division Playoffs

Filed Under: football by topenga — Comments Off on NFL Open Letters: Division Playoffs
January 17, 2011

Dear Ray Lewis’s Ravens,

You guys are now 0-3 in the post season vs the Steelers. Do you know what this tells me? You guys are good. Really. Every time you play each other, I know it will be an awesome game. I don’t know how the Steelers keep edging you out, though. Someone postulated that you don’t adapt during the game. You have a plan and you follow it even when it stops working. Stop that. This is the only thing stopping you. You could have won Saturday. Easily. You guys did good out there. I can’t say that the Steelers played better. They have some weird luck god on their side.

Hey, I heard that if there’s a lockout, Ray Lewis is just going to retire. That’s a damn shame. If this is true, then Mr. Lewis, I know I’ve said some shit about you killin’ some dude. Please don’t come after me. Blame the internet. You are a great player, please train your replacement well or start a training camp that churns out bad ass defensive players. And when Harrison and Polamalu retire let them join you.

Dear Steelers O-line,

WHAT IN THE EVER LOVING FUCK WAS THAT? ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED? There’s a goddamn ball on the goddamn ground! You jump on that shit like Algie Crumpler jumps on Polamalu’s knee! Did you hear a whistle? No? LIVE BALL, MOTHERFUCKERS! Even if you DID hear a whistle, JUMP ON THAT GODDAMN BALL! You jump on that ball and act like it was gonna steal your fucking wallet! You DON’T MOVE off that ball until a ref says “dude. play’s over.” Mother. FUCK. Cory Redding MOVED GUYS ASIDE and picked up the ball and you just fucking watched him! He kinda trotted into the endzone while you guys JUST STOOD THERE AND WATCHED. What in the CHRIST was that shit? I hope Tomlin doesn’t let you fuckers live that down. EVER. I hope that when you are in your way advanced age and your memories are starting to get fuzzy, you remember that goddamn shitty ass play. You know why you’ll remember? Because right after that game, Mike Tomlin recorded a message that will stand until the end of time. Rex Ryan will hear the language Mike used AND WILL BLUSH. And near the end of your lives, that message will be played to you by our robot overlords every mother fucking day. Alien civilizations will appear and attempt to overthrow the robots. But they won’t. Why? Because they’ll hear that message and see that play and go “Oh well fuck these meatbags. If they can’t fall on a goddamn live ball that’s 2 goddamn feet away from them (YOU ACTUALLY LOOKED AT THE BALL AND THEN LOOKED AWAY!!!) then they deserve the robot uprising!”

That’s how fucking bad it was.

Yeah, yeah, you pulled it out in the end but fucking shit, you gave up 2 touchdowns in 27 seconds.TWENTY-SEVEN SECONDS. FUUUUUUCK! STOP THAT SHIT.

You are why I drink in the post season. You make black baby Jesus cry.

Shape the fuck up.

Dear Steelers D-Line,

I’ll tell you a bit of what I told the Cowboys: there are people in this world that don’t want good for you. 90% of the Something Awful Football Funhouse Forum and your cringe inducing, kick to the balls, retarded ass o-line. Please beat them with a sack of hammers. I love you guys. You have your shit together (usually). Is there any chance Dick LeBeau can be offensive coordinator too? Keep on keeping on.

Dear Steelers as a whole,

So, what. A win is a win? No, motherfuckers. This win was chock full of shame. Rest, heal, and DON’T FUCK IT UP or I’m rooting for the J.E.T.S. Jets! Jets! Jets! Jets! in the AFC.

Dear New York Jets,

Holy shit I’m sorry I ever doubted you. Thank you for fucking up Tom Brady’s day. Rest up. If you manage to beat the Steelers, well, I can’t be mad at you. You saw what they did Saturday.

Dear Bears,

What? It was the Seahawks. Whatevs. You blew a big ass lead. What the fuck?

Dear Packers,

I’m sorry I doubted Saint Aaron Rodgers. I’m a dumbass sheep who bought into the Atlanta hype. Fuck them Bears up.

Dear Flacons,

Yeah, you thought you were gonna be like the Cardinals. Nope. Oh well. Try again next year.

Dear Seahawks,

See Falcons.

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NFL Open Letters: Week 17; A Retrospective

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January 5, 2011

I would like to take this time to look back at my Week 1 letter and see if it deserves any other comment:

Steelers:

Well shit, Dixon got hurt and I never saw him play again. Charlie Batch, however, can still get the job done! Go non assholeish old man quarterbacks! And Reed. *sigh* Sorry, but Suisham is getting the job done.

Terry Bradshaw:

Still love you. keep on keeping on! Oh wait, quit bitching about Los Angeles not having a team. They had one. They lost it. Let it goooo. If we let you have the Jaguars will you and Howie quit crying? Fine, okay, the Vikings. But they’re gonna look damn silly being the LA Vikings.

Cowboys:

I stand by what I said. There are people that don’t want good for you and there are people who actively try to fuck you up. Alex Barron still has not earned my forgiveness. But you guys also fucked yourselves. Cut it out and play some ball.

Buehler:

You suck. I cut you from my team and picked up Nick goddamn Folk who turned into a consistent kicker for the Jets.

Alex Barron:

Stiiiiillllllll waiting for that incontinent monkey and your address.

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NFL Season In Review

Filed Under: football by topenga — Comments Off on NFL Season In Review
January 5, 2011

There will soon be no more football.

Playoffs start Saturday.

No more Monday night football (I missed the whole goddamn season because of school).

No more Sunday night football.

No more Thursday night football (that’s a blessing. NFL Network’s commentators SUCK BALLS).

I am beginning to experience slight anxiety. What will I do with my Sunday afternoons? My Monday nights? My Sunday nights? To keep me slightly sane, let’s take a look at this past season:

Dallas Cowboys: Fucking sucked. Sucked harder than they’ve ever sucked before. Unbelievable how bad they were. Was it really Wade Phillips fault? It must have been since once they got Jason Garrett (Really??) as interim coach, they turned it around. But that fucker Alex Barron needs a swift kick in the ass. I don’t care that his major fuck up was in week one. I have a long memory and will never forgive that sonofabitch for losing the Cowboys the game with 3 motherfucking seconds left. Has a monkey pissed in his ear yet? Somebody get me an incontinent monkey and Barron’s address!

Cleveland Browns: Um. Wow. Go Colt McCoy. He might actually be their savior. If Colt can learn to switch up his snap counts so that Polamalu doesn’t clobber him every snap.

Atlanta Falcons: I forgot these guys were even a team. And now look at them. 13-3. You go, guys!

Pittsburgh Steelers: Ben was out for 4 games. Everyone expected the Steelers to win maybe one game during that time. They won 3 out of four games thanks to Dennis Dixon and Charlie Batch. Hey, Charlie, I fucking love you man and hope you still get field time because you are the shiznit. I would have happily taken a Lions season (0-16) if it meant Ben was punished as he should have been. There’s no room for this kind of shit. But I digress. The Steelers pulled a 12-4 season and I am ecstatic. Polamalu showed that he’s still the high flying scary big haired mofo that should still cause Colt minor night terrors. But without him, the team is still lost.

Tennessee Titans: Goddamn your quarterback is a fucking drama queen. Glad you’re ditching that zero, get you a hero!

Baltimore Ravens: Yes, yes. No changes here. Ray Lewis, keep on being Ray Lewis, creepy Old Spice commercials and all.

Indianapolis Colts, New York (football) Giants: What in the ever loving fuck happened to you guys?

New England Patriots: Ha ha, you got beat by the Browns. The goddamn Browns! (yes yes, I know you got a 14-2 record)

Oakland Raiders, Detroit Lions: Holy shit, guys, I was very proud of you. The Lions got fucked by a bad call and then they had injuries. This was supposed to be your year. But next year will be better. Oakland, I dunno what to say about you. Your coach just got fired. I hope you do as well or better next year.

Minnesota Vikings: Next season, I will be able to root for you. Because Favre will finally have to sit his old broken ass down. Fuck you Favre. Fuck you long and fuck you hard with a stolen dick. You are why the Vikings sucked.

Green Bay Packers: Dear Santa, please bring Aaron Rodgers some goddamn protection so he doesn’t get a concussion every other game. Thank you.

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I fucking told you so

Filed Under: football by topenga — Comments Off on I fucking told you so
January 5, 2011

On August 10, 2009 I called it. I said that Vince Young would no longer be a Titan. Now, I was a season early, but can still say “I told you so”. Bud Adams has announced that the oh so precious (my fat ass) Vince Young would either be traded or released from the Titans. I fucking told you so. That prima donna asshole did it to himself. He can blame no one else but him. Before, I put the blame on UT for not know what the fuck to do with him and letting him do his own thing. Welp. Look where it got him. Fuck him. Shut your goddamn mouth, learn that you are human, suck it the fuck up and play some goddamn football.

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Again.

Filed Under: football by topenga — Comments Off on Again.
November 30, 2010

Another goddamn meltdown. So now I don’t have to get over Vince Young’s little “poor me” stunt a couple of seasons ago. He again acted  like a big spoiled fucking baby just over a week ago. Fuck him and his dumb ass, screwing up my fantasy league and looking like a jackass.

Play ball and shut the fuck up.

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sunday Sunday SUNDAY!

Filed Under: football by topenga — Comments Off on sunday Sunday SUNDAY!
October 14, 2010

Colt McCoy starts for the Browns this Sunday. All over town, people who like that damn burnt orange color are excited as hell to see their very own favorite QB start in the NFL. Against the Steelers.

They’re gonna fucking kill him.

First of all, the Steelers have  an awesomely ranked defense. Harrison and Farrior can fuck some shit up, Woodley has been a veritable beast lately, and Polamalu’s healthy. A healthy Polamalu should be every quarterback’s recurring night terror.

Second, McCoy is a rookie. Have you seem what the NFL does to rookies? There’s always that first (second, third…) “Welcome to the NFL” hit. And they hurt.

Third, again, Colt’s a rookie. We don’t know what this is going to do to him. Will he thrive? Will he be scared shitless and just throw away the ball? Will he be carted off in the middle of the 1st half on a stretcher? We don’t know! Aelerelean has a theory that it could go one of two ways:

“”Turns out McCoy has the best win-loss record ever in college football.
Not gonna help him Sunday, but it might mean no prima-donna meltdown.
Or it could mean “lose? How could we have lost? I’m Colt McCoy!” Followed by shouting at refs, arguing with coach, then getting picked up by police at 3am Monday morning passed out in a van handcuffed to an underage hooker in a UT cheerleader uniform.”

So, yeah, awesome rookie, or Vince Young. My vote? Option 3: Stretcher.

And yeah, I’m still ragging on Vince. Because, goddammit, that was shameful. It’s gonna take me a while to get over it.

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NFL Open Letters: Week 1

Filed Under: football by topenga — Comments Off on NFL Open Letters: Week 1
September 13, 2010

Dear Steelers,

Well. You did it. I guess. What the fuck is wrong with Reed? Dixon looks great, I hope he gets to play more than 4 games.

Dear Terry Bradshaw,

I think I love you. I watch the Fox pregame show every week and your Fired Up rant was right up my alley. Ben is a disgrace to all QBs and no longer deserves to be a Steeler. I, too, was pissed when his suspension was cut to 4 games. When Ward and Miller were named captains of the team, my heart soared. When Tomlin insinuated that Ben may be out more than 4 games, I damn near did a dance of joy. Fuck Ben and the horse he rode in on. As a fan, I would happily take a season or two of lower performance, or hell, a Lions season (yeah, 0-16) if it meant that the Rooneys were showing that they mean business and shit stunts like Ben and Holmes pulled would no longer be tolerated.

Dear Cowboys,

There are people out there that don’t want good for you. They would be, in no particular order: the Steelers, the Eagles, the Redskins, the Vikings, etc. That’s fine. They shouldn’t want good for you guys. But you know who shouldn’t want you to suck? YOUR OWN GODDAMN TEAMMATES. If you don’t cut that fucker Alex Barron, or at least give him a soap in a pillowcase beating then you will fail. BARRON DOES NOT WANT GOOD FOR YOU. I know that I publicly swore my allegiance to the Steelers as my #1 team and you were relegated to #2, but fucking hell, I hate to see shit like that happen. Fix it now, and fix it permanently.

Dear Buehler,

Don’t suck. I will kick you off my fantasy league and pick up Folk in a heartbeat if you don’t stop fucking around. I want to like you, don’t make this hard.

Dear Alex Barron,

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU LONG. FUCK YOU HARD. I HOPE A MONKEY PISSES IN YOUR EAR AND CATS FUCK ON YOUR BACK. Three motherfucking seconds left in the goddamn game and Romo throws a fucking perfect pass to tie that goddamn game AND YOUR FUCKING DUMBASS FUCKS IT UP WITH A HOLDING CALL. You DICK! #1 penalty maker? Damn straight. I thought Flozell was bad. Oh hell no. Flozell (second in the league in penalties. SECOND. To YOU) was working up to be you. Goddamn I hate you. I hate you so fucking much.

And it’s only week 1. Son of a bitch.

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T.O. and Ocho

Filed Under: football by topenga — Comments Off on T.O. and Ocho
August 2, 2010

Another football season is upon us. Saturday is the Hall of Fame ceremonies and Sunday is the hall of fame game. This year? Cowboys vs. Bengals. Neat! Wait, why neat? Welp, let’s see. America’s favorite showboater Terrell Owens has signed a contract with the Bengals. And already the drama has begun. He missed his overnight flight. The Bengals were all set to have press conferences, training, etc that day. *sigh* Okay, anybody can miss a flight. I shouldn’t be so hard on him. I want to see him do well and not cause OMG DRAMA all over the place. Oh and he paid Antonio Bryant an undisclosed amount of money to surrender his number (81). The money will go to charity so that’s cool.

So, uh, you got your popcorn rdy?

God. That was lame as fuck.

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Has hell frozen over?

Filed Under: football by topenga — Comments Off on Has hell frozen over?
December 11, 2009

Holy. Freezing. Balls.

What the hell just happened?

The Steelers LOST to the Browns. The. BROWNS. I have no words to describe what I half heard/watched (hey, I was working on my last project for school, okay?). I heard Ben get sacked FIVE FRIGGING TIMES. I saw him get sacked in TWO CONSECUTIVE PLAYS. Jesus Christ! I could offer excuses like: “Ward is not 100% healthy.”, “Polamalu is still out (FUCK YOU JIMMY FALLON)”, “They just played last Sunday. They’re not rested.” or even “It’s ball shattering cold out.” But no. There is no fucking excuse for what happened last night. It is glaringly obvious that the Steelers have no backup plan for a missing Polamalu. And that’s just silly. No, not silly, FUCKING RIDICULOUS. He’s ONE GUY. He’s an awesome safety. The man’s a beast. But fucking hell, when he’s out, that should not automatically make me mark a tick in the “going to fucking lose” column. Whatever training Troy does, HAVE YOUR BACKUPS DO THAT SAME TRAINING. Or just clone him. Shit, something! There’s got to be something they can learn from Troy. Watch the films, learn to read the offense, because what you’re doing now just ain’t cutting it. @aelerelean just said “Troy really brings to the defense is Right Place, Right Time”. No one else does this. Learn to do it.

At the end of the night, someone said that during the press conference Mike Tomlin looked like he had been crying. Well no shit. I’d be fucking BAWLING if I just came off of a Superbowl win to lose to the motherfucking BROWNS AND THE RAIDERS in the last five goddamn days!

So, congrats to you, Cleveland Browns. Not in a sarcastic, sour grapes way, either. You needed a win and you obviously wanted it far more.

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He totally looks like that guy

Filed Under: football by topenga — Comments Off on He totally looks like that guy
November 30, 2009

mike-tomlin-omar-epps

We don’t watch House. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great show. I used to watch it. But there’s only so many minutes in the day and so many gigs on the dvr. Something had to give. Anyway, we watched the beginning (hell, it could have been the end for all I remember) of an episode last week and caught this exchange:

(House walks into the office being all chipper and happy. He’s never chipper and happy)
House: “This is Great! I’ve got 2 of my starters back and 2 of the top free agents! I feel like Mike Tomlin!”
*Looks right at Omar Epps and says* “Probably not as much as you do!”

Laughed. My. Ass. Off.

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