Category: football


Open Letters: NFL Week 1

Filed Under: football by topenga — Comments Off on Open Letters: NFL Week 1
September 13, 2012

*snore*whistle*snort*

Whuzzat? What? Oh shit. Week 2 starts today. Fucking Thursday football. Hate Thursday football.

 

Dear Cowboys,

I say this every season, I know, but I can’t trust you fucks to do anything right. How dare you come out and actually, you know, look good and play decent ball? How dare your defense not look like shit? How dare you actually give Romo some blocking so he’s not running for his life every play? And how dare you beat the goddamn New York Football Giants, thereby ruining both my pick’em and my fantasy team?

Harumph.

 

Dear Victor motherfucking Cruz,

Monkey piss. Your ear. Your Gatorade.

 

Dear Eli “Herp Derp” Manning,

You looked as clueless as Wade Phillips. Really. Go look at Wade sometimes on the sidelines. During his time on the Cowboys, we doubted he knew where he was. That’s how you looked. And I can understand that, because you sure as fuck did not look like a Superbowl winning team.

Fix your shit.

 

Dear Steelers,

Any other time I would be losing my mind over you losing to the Broncos. The BRONCOS. THE GODDAMN SHITTY ASS BRONCOS WITH EAR BLEEDING ORANGE JERSEYS. Yeah, I said ear bleeding. Because that’s how loud that orange is. You looked “okay”. You have looked better. And you could have easily beat another Broncos team. But this is not an old Broncos team. You were playing Peyton. You got beat by Peyton. Get healthy. Step up your game and try not to take it too hard. I won’t.

 

Dear Polamalu,

There were two distinct plays near the end of the game where you had Peyton scared. We saw it. He called his play, you shifted, he called another play, you shifted, he freaked and called a timeout. You rattled Peyton Steel Neck Manning. You did that. I love you for it.

 

Dear RG3,

Please do this all season, erry season.

 

Dear Browns,

You suck. No you suck more than usual. What the shit was that with Weeden? He had a QB rating of 6. SIX. Out of what, 140? Dear lord. Maybe it’s first game jitters. But holy balls that was an amazing amount of suck. Not that the Eagles were any better.

 

Dear Jets,

WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING IN PRESEASON? WHERE WAS THIS LEVEL OF PLAY? *sputter* *sputter* Our theory: you played from a shitty middle school playbook for preseason, then showed off your awesome plays for the regular season. That’s gotta be it. Because how do you go from one touchdown in all 4 weeks of preseason to…whatever that was? On the other hand, you were playing the Bills. So maybe I shouldn’t get my hopes up just yet.

 

Permalink

Open Letters: NFL Week 11 Thursday Night Game Edition

Filed Under: football by topenga — Comments Off on Open Letters: NFL Week 11 Thursday Night Game Edition
November 18, 2011

Dear NFL Network,

I very much dislike non Thanksgiving Thursday games. Your announcers are just horrible and frankly I’m not ready for more football by Thursday.

 

Dear Mark Sanchez and the New York Jets,

I was at a happy hour last night. I made it home in time to watch most of the game. I believe there was 3:45 left in the first quarter when I finally settled down in front of the tv. I was sleepy, because Gloria’s makes some damn strong margaritas. I curled up on the couch and heard “Nick Folk who missed a field goal earlier in the game…” I said “goddammit Nick!” and fell asleep. When I awoke, you were losing. To the goddamn Broncos. With 34 seconds left. I said “Fucking Jets.” and I watched as you, Mark, threw two passes for fuck all. I swore yet again “Jesus Christ, fuck both Tebow and Sanchez.” and went to bed. Had I stayed awake and watched the whole game, there would have been much more swearing but the same outcome. It’s good to know I can watch about 40 seconds of your game and still not have really missed anything.

 

Dear Tim “The Toolman” Tebow,

How are you the worst QB to be 4-1? I don’t understand at all. You’re not very good. Really. But you’re 4-1. I will not fall to my knees and worship at your football playing altar. You are quite possibly the worst thing to happen to sportscasters since Brett Favre. And I don’t quite know how to feel about that sudden prayer circle that happened after the game. That was…special. I’m not giving you shit about it, just saying it was….special.

Tags: , ,
Permalink

Open Letter: NFL Week 7

Filed Under: football by topenga — Comments Off on Open Letter: NFL Week 7
October 26, 2011

Dear Chicago Bears and Baltimore Ravens,

What in the everloving hell was that? That was quite possibly the worst games I have ever seen. Ever. Ever. You guys should be ashamed of yourselves. Could we possibly have more penalties? How is it that Joe Flacco’s best completion was TO HIMSELF? How is it that the Ravens didn’t get a first down until the 3rd quarter?? Jesus Christ Almighty.

 

Dear Refs for the aforementioned travesty,

You are horrible at your jobs. Horrible. You should be fired.

 

Dear Saints,

62 points. Hoooooly crap. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Congrats on scoring more points in one game than the Rams have scored all season.

 

Dear Colts,

Peyton IS the team. You proved it. My heart, she aches for you.

Tags: , ,
Permalink

Open Letters: NFL Week 5

Filed Under: football by admin — Comments Off on Open Letters: NFL Week 5
October 13, 2011

Dear Steelers,

Good job.  Keep it up. Play like this on the road, not just at home.

Dear Harrison,

You will never follow me on twitter because I have a potty mouth and I’m okay with that. Heal up quick, me and my fantasy team miss you.

Dear Lions,

LOVE YOU SO GODDAMN MUCH!

Dear Bears,

9 false starts? What in the hell?

Dear Eagles,

Why do you suck this year?

 

Permalink

Open Letters: NFL Week 4

Filed Under: football by topenga — Comments Off on Open Letters: NFL Week 4
October 6, 2011

Dear Steelers,

I went to Houston to watch you guys play. I spent money. Waaaaay too much goddamn money to watch you guys fuck it up. There was a point where I realized that you had possession and I thought “well fuck! We have the ball!” That’s not right, is it? I should WANT you to have the ball. But I don’t. Because you don’t do shit with it. I am horribly disappointed in you. I can’t even be angry anymore. Just…ugh. And I feel dirty for having to pick the Titans over you in the pick em.

Dear James Harrison,

How? How did you BREAK YOUR EYE??? I’m glad your surgery went well. Rest up, get healthy.

Dear Houston Texans,

You have some pretty great fans. They had awesome energy and didn’t give me too much shit as I sat there in my Polamalu jersey. Guy in front of me even shook my hand and said “good game”. Your little graphic for Mario Williams made me laugh every time he did something. Which was a lot. Much to my dismay. I enjoyed visiting your stadium and enjoyed riding your rail service (free on gamedays. how cool is that?). But holy balls is that place LOUD. I never realized how much noise 71,000+ people can make. Good on you and good luck for the season.

Dear Detroit Football Lions,

I have not yet watched the game. I got score updates all throughout the live travesty I was witnessing and thought “welp, that’s it for the Lions. They had a good steak.” Only to find that you brilliant bastards did it AGAIN. Jeezum Crow! I am so proud of y’all. Yes, it took a 0-16 season to get the talent you have now, but you know what to do with it, apparently. You are what is making this season exciting for me. Thank you. 🙂
P.S.
I watched the game. Oh man, it was like watching a slasher flick. Everything’s going great for the Cowboys, looking good. When will the killer strike? I loved pinpointing the moment everything was going to go to shit. Way to go, Lions. Way to go.

Dear Cowboys,

Can you just take a medical leave of absence for the rest of the season? Get that problem with your throat checked out. What problem, you ask? That bothersome little chocking problem that seems to pop up every Sunday. You should get that shit checked out soon.
P.S.
Costa, Ogletree: thanks for not fucking it up.

Dear Ravens,

Just let Ray Lewis coach offense and be done with it. No, really.

Dear refs,

WHAT IN THE FUCK? How many times does that poor punter have to get drilled before you motherfuckers call it? Player safety, my ass. I know punters and kickers are worth less than the warm spit dribbling out of your whistle, but goddamn. You watched that poor bastard get hit twice and didn’t call shit. It was so bad I thought I could see him shaking every time he had to kick. That ain’t right. That ain’t right at all.

Tags: , , ,
Permalink

Open Letters: NFL Week 3

Filed Under: football by topenga — Comments Off on Open Letters: NFL Week 3
September 27, 2011

Dear Steelers,

Get an OLine.

Dear Steelers D-line,

I still love you.

Dear Polamalu,

Goddamn, son. It looks like you’re being far more aggressive this season. Keep it up. Oh, I know you had to make a choice: Painter or the receiver. You were so goddamn close it hurt my heart. Good job, though.

 

Dear Curtis Painter,

Dude. Try not to look like a stoned surfer in your headshots.

 

Dear Romo,

I would have bet money that you guys wouldn’t win last night. Not because you suck, but holy shit, YOU HAVE A PUNCTURED LUNG AND CRACKED RIBS! Witten has bruised ribs, Bryant has a hurt leg, Austin was out, Jones had a fucked up shoulder. Those would be the reasons why I thought you wouldn’t win. I never in a million years would have thought it was your stupid ass center. What in the hell was his problem? And have you beaten him yet? Get healthy, congrats on your win against the odds.

Dear Phil Costa,

You should be beaten with a pillowcase full of oranges by your teammates. You should have to report to Rob Ryan for an ass chewing and when Rob gets tired of that, you should then have to call REX Ryan and have him berate you. Then Rex gets to keep your number on speed dial so he can have someone to yell at 24/7. AND THEN and incontinent monkey with a huge bladder gets to piss in your ear.

 

Dear Detroit Football Lions of the NFL,

Every week is a new discovery with you guys. Keep it going, please.

Tags: , , ,
Permalink

Open Letters: NFL Week 2

Filed Under: football by topenga — Comments Off on Open Letters: NFL Week 2
September 20, 2011

Dear Seahawks,

I don’t know what you did to get beat like that. I’m sorry you had to get the full wrath of the Steelers shame based fury. I saw very little of the game, so I can only assume you guys fucked up a lot and the Steelers took advantage.

Dear Cowboys,

Hoooooly fucking shit. Good on you, Romo, for playing on that rib to make people shut the fuck up about how much you suck (I don’t think you suck). Just rest up, heal, etc.

Dear Bengals,

I can’t trust you motherfuckers to do anything right. You can’t win when I need you to and you can’t lose when I need you to. Die in a fire.

Dear Lions,

*Disbelieving Stare*
*Slow Clap*

Dear Ben Roethlisberger,

Let’s get one thing straight. Deep down in my heart, I think I hate you. I hate you for all the stupid fucking shit you’ve done since I started watching football. Your retarded ass motorcycle accident, your “alleged” sexual assault #1, your “alleged” sexual assault #2, and really, just your big dumb redneck-y face. I really cannot stand you as a human being. But you are a good quarterback when you try. I cheered when that Raider got ejected for punching you dead in the face (hey, no fair punching). I saw you almost get Brady’d. I don’t like seeing you get hurt like that (even though my heart swelled when I heard the crowd chanting for Batch), so, I hope you’re okay.

Dear Dish Network,

I have your service. I like your service. You have a free app for my phone that will allow me to schedule recordings. This app works. I like it. But I would like it a lot more if it behaved the same way recording works when I’m in front of the receiver. Why in the FUCK doesn’t it add an automatic 60 minute padding to a sports recording like it does when I’m home? Do you know how confused and then utterly pissed I was when we were watching the Eagles-Falcons game (ludicrous display of sport!) and it suddenly stopped before it was over? Oh my fucking god. If my receiver knows to pad sports events (even Hard Knocks!) by 60 minutes, why does your app not respect this? You’re looking at my goddamned receiver! And if you can’t do that, add it as an option, what the FUCK! So now I gotta wait until Tuesday night to watch an NFL Replay (ugh) of this game so I can see if anything else stupid happened.

Dear Dunta Robinson,

Fuck you and fuck your helmet leading ass. That shit was deliberate as fuck. You didn’t even try to put your hands up or make it look like an accident. Fuck your stupid head.

Dear Roger Goodell,

You are the epitome of parent behavior that I hate. You open favor (and punish) certain “kids” over others and don’t hide that fact. Oh, I’m sure you’ll fine Dunta, but I”ll bet you won’t crucify him like you did Harrison, who while fucked some players up NEVER blatantly hit anyone like Dunta did. In fact, I know you won’t punish him the same. (Edit: $40k fine. nothing else) Player safety, MY ASS. How in the fuck is it helping player safety to nullify a play because a player lost his helmet…WHEN PLAY DOESN’T IMMEDIATELY STOP WHEN THE PLAYER LOSES HIS HELMET? The refs just let it go until the play is dead, just like always only now the play just doesn’t count. How does that help, you moron? You just…you don’t even…FUCK! God, I just hate your stupid face.

Tags: , , ,
Permalink

Open Letters: NFL Week 1

Filed Under: football by topenga — Comments Off on Open Letters: NFL Week 1
September 12, 2011

Dear Steelers,

What in the fuck? I mean…how…why…and then Ike Taylor…and Polamalu horse collared…and the seven turnovers…seven…fight…

No Superbowl hangover my ass. What in the fuck did you steal to get beat like that? I used to set shit on fire as a kid on a regular basis but never got beat like that. Fuck.

Dear Ravens,

What can I say? You showed up to play a game but ended up delivering a serious ass fucking. And that fake extra point to a 2pt conversion? Merely the sand in the lube. I can’t hate you. Ever. If your opponents want to keep not showing up and not playing like the professionals they are supposed to be, then I can’t fault you for taking full advantage of the situation. Good job.

Dear Chargers and Vikings,

Thanks to the free RedZone preview I got to see the start of your game. I turned my head for a split second and turned back around to find my fantasy football kicker being carted out. That’s gotta be some kind of record for kicker killing. Well. Um, good game I guess. I was just too shell shocked from my poor pick’em and fantasy picks to pay much attention.

Dear Jets,

Um. Wow. That was an exciting as hell game. I hope all of your games are like this.
Dear Rex and Rob Ryan,

You know how they always joke about the good and evil twin? You guys are the epitome of that. Rex looks like the good twin, Rob, you look like the evil one. But really, I think if anyone crossed either one of you, it would go poorly.

 

Dear Cowboys,

Congrats on proving that you are, indeed, Jerry Jones’s Cowboys. Ahead and doin’ fine then fucking it all up at the last possible second. And I can’t even blame Alex Barron for it like last year. I’m sure I heard my mother, 15 miles away, lose her shit. Who fucked up that snap? I mean, shit, Romo looked like he was sauntering across the field and suddenly got smacked in the chest. I have never seen a snap bungled quite like that. Stop fucking up.

Tags: ,
Permalink

Open Letters: NFL Preaseason Week 1

Filed Under: football by topenga — Comments Off on Open Letters: NFL Preaseason Week 1
August 15, 2011

Dear Cowboys,

Meh. That’s all I can say. Meh. It’s preseason.You had, what, 9 days of training camp? Still looked pretty good. I will tune in just to look at Rob Ryan. He looks positively evil.

Dear Tebow,

Oh. Oh my. That 3 foul, Cowboy-killing play was hilarious. I think you will do well in Denver.

 

Dear Steelers,

It’s preseason. That’s what I keep telling myself. But you guys kinda sucked. Like, you didn’t come together until too late. Again, you like everyone else, spent a hot minute in training camp. But I was still disappointed in your first string performances.

 

Dear Patriots,

47 points? In preseason? Fucking hell. You guys might be the only non underdog winners this season.

 

Dear Bears,

Hooooly shit. Looking fine, guys. Damn fine. Showed the Cowboys that Marion Barber still has many, MANY yards left in him when applied correctly.

 

Dear Raiders,

Oh God. You lost everyone. I don’t even know who’s on your team anymore. I just don’t even know what to say.

 

Dear Lions,

HOLY FUCK, GUYS! I am SO WATCHING YOU THIS SEASON!

 

Dear Browns,

Oh Lord, Colt McCoy is actually really good. And Seneca Wallace. You and the Lions have a real shot this year if this keeps up!

 

Dear Local Austin Affiliates,

Fuck you guys. Fuck you all. NFL Network was supposed to air the Packers-Browns game. But it didn’t in Austin. Why? Because somebody must have told them it was going to be aired locally. Only one of you fuck ups DIDN’T air it. So I had to find alternate means to watch this game. I did not like those means. Why didn’t you air the goddamn game? Who cares about your shitty Saturday night lineup? Does anyone watch COPS anymore? No. Idiots.

Permalink

It all comes down to this

Filed Under: football by topenga — Comments Off on It all comes down to this
February 7, 2011

It’s over. The 2010 NFL season officially ended with a kneel down and a bunch of men stroking and kissing a sterling silver trophy. Packers fans all over rejoice as the Lombardi trophy found its way back home. As an anti-Favre fan I was pleased-nay excited- to see Aaron Rodgers get his first Super Bowl ring and to finally emerge out from under the shadow of Brett Favre’s dick. Rodgers has become an incredible quarterback and I wish him all the luck. The Green Bay Packers fought hard and totally brought their A game. They obviously wanted it and they deserved their championship win. Congrats, guys!

As a Steelers fan, I can’t help but be disappointed that the Steeler Nation did not get to ascend that Stairway To Seven (look, you fuckers named it that, I’m using it. Still, it’s better that fucking Sixburgh. Really? Sixburgh?). The Steelers lost that game themselves. It wasn’t just a matter of “oh Green Bay played better”. You guys played horribly. Ben doesn’t throw a lot of interceptions but he threw three goddamn picks. THREE. IN THE SUPER BOWL.  He did not play like a veteran. That game was a travesty and I hope they all got their asses sufficiently chewed out by Tomlin and LeBeau. All I can take away from last night’s debacle is that the Steelers are now tied with the Cowboys for the most Super Bowl appearances. That’s it. That’s the only upside. Because nothing will be the same after this ridonkulous season:

  • Hines Ward has spoken of retirement. As a receiver, you want to break records (apparently). On November 15, 2010, he ended his streak of 186 consecutive games with at least one reception. How? Concussion which took him out of the game. He can never hit that record now. So the game means nothing to him now, I guess. This disappoints me. Don’t you play because you like the game? Because you’re getting paid mad phat benjamins to do something you love? Not just to break records? He is not going down in NFL history as a nobody. There’s no fucking way. He’s an outstanding player, but breaking his streak might be enough to make him retire? Okay. Sure.
  • James Harrison, the current poster boy for fucking people up, might retire as well. Not just because he is and will probably continue to be Roger Goodell’s poster boy for hard hits but I believe that if there is a lockout (fuck you, owners. Fuck you guys long and hard. how about YOU motherfuckers get out there and get hit repeatedly then tell me you want to play for 18 fucking weeks) he will not return. Harrison will be 33 years old. That’s pretty damn old in football years. A year–or more– away from the game and training could end his career right there. So why not end it on your own terms and go out on top. And not just him. There’s every chance Ray Lewis would retire as well as a whole host of older awesome players.
  • In that same vein, Polamalu has not been the effective beast he has in the past because of the new rules for tackling. He was tried to adapt to the new changes of the last couple of seasons, but it’s not working. He does what he can with what he has, but it comes down to “do I tackle the fuck out of him and get my team 15 yards in penalties, or do I tackle properly and possibly miss?” He and Harrison have had to modify their unique play-styles (that the fans watch for) and it just makes the game bland and boring and makes them look ineffective. I don’t think Polamalu would retire as soon as Harrison or Ward, but he will eventually get fed up (I already see it) and just leave and no one would blame him.
  • Roger motherfucking Goodell. This douchebag has made it his mission to suck anything and everything out of the game fans love. The NFL rule changes “for the safety of the players” is laudable but ultimately bullshit. It only protects the star players. If you ain’t making the NFL millions, then you ain’t shit. He doesn’t give a fetid dingo’s kidney about the fans. Which is just retarded. The NFL would not exist if not for the fans (same goes for any other sport. who are you playing for? who buys your shit?). Every season is worse than the last. It’s getting tedious and the fans will revolt and force this smug asshole out.

So yeah. I was all excited about this season just for it to end with a pathetic whimper, stupid ass drama, and a cool VW Darth Vader commercial.

Tags: , , , ,
Permalink